Category Archives: Writing

by

The Freedom of the Run

I remember watching people running by in mid winter with just a hoodie over their running clothes and a winter hat and thinking they were out of their minds. I’ll admit, I still think they are crazy. On a cold and icy winter morning, I want to be inside with a tea and heating not out for a run. The difference now isn’t them; they are still a little crazy my eyes. The difference is that now I get it.

I’m not an experienced runner by any means. I just started last week with the Couch to 5k app on zombie mode with a bottle of water in my hand and gasping for breath as if I were dying at the end of each jogging cycle in the workout. But a week into the program, I have a new understanding of it. There’s no one around but the music, Johnny Zombie telling me when to run and jog, and the baby in the stroller I’m pushing uphill while jogging. It’s freedom. It’s all freedom. And even though my muscles feel like they are detaching themselves from my limbs and my lungs feel like a grenade explodes in them after each jogging minute, it is awesome.

I look forward to my time out there moving. It clears my head, makes me a little saner even if it’s just for a little bit. It’s quiet and peaceful and out of the corner of my eyes I see a nice view and  scenery. I hear the sounds of birds chirping and dogs barking and children laughing over my music and my zombie trainer. I smell the freshly cut grass and the grills cooking what smells like delicious steaks. Unfortunately some times I smell the scent of freshly pesticided and fertilized lawns, but even then I don’t care. I smile at neighbors that smile at me and say “hello” in return to their greetings. I even give thumbs up when they make a commentary about me getting a workout in or how cute my boys are. It’s a great new world out there.

I wonder if it’s me that changed. I still feel self-conscious if I see people looking at me, but it’s fleeting as I’m more concerned with my goals that someone I’ve never met and probably never will. I want to be better: healthier and faster with more endurance. I want that feeling of freeing solidarity that magically erases everything that makes me miserable for at least a half hour of my day. I want to forget, without drinking or anything else people use to forget. Most importantly, I get it.

So will I still look at them as insane? Probably. But they have the right idea. Hell, next year I might even join them. I’ll be the one in baggy running sweatpants, parka, and my signature winter hat. I might even suck it up and wear my snow boots. Maybe not though, because I like my tea and bathrobe walking around the house on a cold winter morning. That’s too many months away to make these sorts of decisions now. I recommend the feeling of being out there though, even if it’s only for a walk. A nice peaceful walk on a nice day instead of wasting away in front of your television. Plus, it sends a great message to your kids seeing you active.

by

Leave the Remdawg Alone

Normally I don’t discuss Massachusetts only topics here, nor do I really discuss sports here. I felt the need to discuss the situation with Jeremy Remy that’s a hot button issue in this dubbed “Red Sox Nation” on whether he should continue his job calling the Sox games while his son is on trial for brutally murdering the mother of his child. It seems to be a divider among viewers and is taking away focus from what should be a discussion on Opening Day or whether or not the Sox will be the first team in  about 13 years to repeat a World Series win.

Before the season, Remy admits to enabling his troubled son in efforts to help him. He agreed that maybe he went too far, but what was he supposed to do. Normally I agree that enablers are as guilty for a situation as the person they enable, if you give someone a fish and whatnot. His son was an uncontrollable rager waiting to happen. The only thing they are guilty of is not letting him sit in jail longer because they thought he was fixable. Every parent likes to think that their child is fixable.

Now here’s why I don’t think enabling him mattered: Jared probably would’ve done it anyways and no matter what Jeremy did, he still would be blamed in the media. An abuser is an abuser for life until he’s stopped. If the courts were harder on him or if all the women he beat stood up and put an end to this, he might have been in jail longer,  but he still would have done this. His son was a bad seed that liked to beat up people. If Remy had cut off Jared and wiped his hands clean of him and his son still killed his baby mama, the media would still rake Jeremy Remy over the coal and Remy’s resignation would still be called for. Except instead of being guilty for enabling a bad seed, he’d be guilty of neglecting a child that needed him and because of that a woman has died. There is no situation where people aren’t calling for his head on a big Red Sox shaped platter.

The issue here is accountability. No one ever wants to take responsibility for themselves. It’s always someone else that needs to take the blame. Boo hoo, his daddy worked all the time. Mine did too, but I didn’t kill anyone or shoot up heroin. The real person at fault here is the one who committed the crime. He was a grown “man”. (I use the term “man” here very loosely because no man hits or acts violently towards a woman let alone the mother of his child.) He’s the one on trial and should stay the only one on trial. I have a hard time feeling sorry for a woman beater, let alone a rich spoiled child. Leave the Remdawg alone and let him do his job. When I see him today, I will see the same guy I’ve always seen only with a little bit more sympathy because his dirty laundry is fodder for the news while essentially being compared to an accomplice to murder.

by

That’s So Gay

Did I grab your attention? How did that feel? Were you shocked or offended? Or were you just wondering what was “so gay” that I was talking about? I cringe every time I hear that because I’m guilty of feeling offended for others when I hear it. I wouldn’t say that anymore than I would say “that’s so straight” or “that’s so midget”. It’s more about common decency than anything else. I mostly just don’t understand why it’s even used. What makes an object gay? Are Q-tips gay because they are all the same laying together? After all isn’t that what gay is, 2 of the same gender laying together? God help the homophobes that buys anything in a package…

I know that last point is a bit of a stretch, but the point remains. Some things are wrong to say. People might argue “what’s wrong with saying that?”, but then become upset that someone had the audacity to say “that’s retarded”. What’s the difference? You’re still offending a group of people by equating them to something negative. The minute you take a group of people and turn them into a synonym for something you find stupid or strange, you’re wrong.

People can say “well before it was okay to say it”. Well at some point in history the dreaded “n” word was accepted, but try to say it now. Times change and we have to adapt to that change. Society changes with the tides and what’s acceptable changes just as often. You can either keep up, or get beat up in a bar because you said how hilarious a picture of African-Americans morphed into gorillas is.

They keep saying comments about the “PC police”. I admit some people cross a line of over sensitivity and seem like they are only doing it for attention, but is  it really our place to tell someone what should or shouldn’t offend them? I’m thick-skinned and hard to offend, that doesn’t mean nothing offends me and I shouldn’t be judged for that. That also means as much as I roll my eyes at some of things that offends people, it isn’t my place to judge them.

We have become a culture of “offended”. In watching the news there’s always some story about people being offended by something, even with the commentators who are offended by the offense keep discussing how offended they are. I actually think the overuse of the word “offended” has diminished the meaning of the word as much as the annoying overuse and misuse of the word “literally”. The world is being more oversensitive these days, but eventually rather than fighting about whether something is or isn’t offensive, find out why it is and accepted that you can’t please everyone but you can have common decency.

by

The Medium Road

Sometimes when there’s nothing on television, I look around for something that would be interesting enough to inspire a post. I ended up watching TLC reality television. I know everyone else was watching The Walking Dead, but I’m one of the few people I know that hasn’t really jumped aboard the zombie apocalypse train. In fact, my desire to run in a Zombie 5k has more to do with the twist it puts on a 5k than the actual zombies. I’d probably do a Killer Clown run even though I’m terrified of them just for the same principle.

I ended up watching an hour of Long Island Medium. It wasn’t my first time mindlessly watching this show. A week or so ago I watched when she had a Jonestown survivor on, though I only watched because I was in awe of her story more than the whole medium thing. I’m not sold on it, probably because of my outspoken stance on the afterlife. The survivor’s story both captivated me enough to research it, but horrified me enough that I never wanted to hear about it again.

As I was watching her last night, I still could only think I was watching a female Patrick Jane. Everything she did mirrored all the tricks he utilizes on The Mentalist to solve the crimes. I love that show, so I continued on and watched both episodes. I became conflicted while watching, not because I was buying what she was selling but because I was seeing the show in a very different light than they probably want us to. I found myself respecting what she does.

She’s offering a probably very expensive service and helping to provide for her family and put her kids through college. I respect the fact that she created this business that seems to be very successful. This isn’t the only reason I respect her. I don’t view her as some conniving wretched woman that’s taking advantage of the bereaved, quite the opposite. I actually think she’s helping provide people with a closure that they need to overcome grief and move on with their lives. I don’t think that’s any different than visiting a therapist; just because they accept massive amounts of money for their services doesn’t mean they don’t have a pure heart that wants to help others.

It’s a big leap that I’m making, I know that. I don’t normally assume one has good intentions, in fact I generally assume the worst in them because that’s what I’ve mostly seen. I consider my feelings as a healthy mistrust of people, which I consider is an asset rather than a flaw. I could be wrong, and  I’m okay with that. It’s all speculation because I don’t know her and I don’t know if there’s an afterlife to be a medium for. Life, I guess, is all speculation.

by

Allow Me An Indulgence

I’ve been saying this a lot lately, as I’m just about 15 lbs from my weight loss goal and I want to have things I refused since September. This isn’t about food cravings I want to give into. This is about how this blog is probably my most personal one I’ve ever written. So I request that I’m allowed to indulge myself emotionally here, or at least as emotionally as I allow myself to get. Also, forgive my morbidity for discussing death again.

I would say that I don’t recall the first and last time I’ve cried over a death, but that’s a lie. I remember exactly when that was. I would say that I’ve never cried over a death, to save face and deny what might be considered a weakness by some and strength by another. That would also be a lie. The first and last death I had cried over was when I was in high school and I found out my cousin was dead under tragic circumstances. I remember being in the church next to my oldest brother and during the Catholic mass bursting out into uncontrollable sobs. As we were exiting the church, my father told me I needed to be strong for my mother. I nodded and accepted this role.

I never cried over a death after that moment. I’m not sure if my tears were as a result of the suddenness of his passing or if I felt that I needed to be devoid of emotions for a show of strength so I ignore my grief to be strong for everyone else. I remember when my aunt passed from cancer, I went out and made sure everyone had clothes for the wake and funeral and hemmed them so they fit. Each death, I preoccupied myself with everything but the fact I should be in mourning. My husband insists that one day this will catch up to me. He’s probably right.

Today I found out someone I held very dearly had passed away. As silly as it seems since I only knew him from online, but he was a person and a really good one at that. I’ve known him about 7 years and whenever there was something crappy going on, I know that I could count on him. He was a goofy and innocent person on the inside that would give anything for friends, and he viewed most people he was in contact with as friends. He had been through a lot and jumped some pretty big hurdles and finally the last one caught him. I’m glad that he doesn’t have to really suffer anymore, but things will definitely be different without him around.

I wish I believed in an afterlife during moments like this so I could believe he’s gaming up in Heaven or that he was watching over his loved ones. Or maybe even riding one of his 200 plus mounts he acquired in the afterlife. But I am certain that he would be happy to know that he touched everyone he encountered. I can say with every bit of confidence that he was one of my best friends and I will miss him. I hope for him that there is something on the other side and he is enjoying it, because I think I’ll imagine that with a smile.

by

The Line Between Beliefs and Neglect

An article was sent to me about a measles outbreak in NYC and the rising toll of infected include infants who aren’t old enough to be vaccinated. Apparently this is becoming common in  some of the largest cities in America. A while back, there was a church that was anti-vaccination that suffered a massive outbreak amongst its church that resulted in many sick and some deaths. I bet you’re wondering what the church did. The answer is: they set up vaccination clinics and changed their happy little tune when their own fell gravely ill and died. Beliefs are awesome, until your children die and then it’s an “oopsie”.

I’ve considered arguments against vaccines. And I’ve considered ones for vaccines. So I would like to approach this topic logically, as I try to approach everything here. I will point out the opposing view and why I personally find them illogical.

We don’t know how safe they are. That’s a valid point. We really don’t know how safe they are. But, I absolutely know how unsafe not getting them are. They argue that getting vaccines can cause asthma, seizures, and death. There are other side effects or illnesses people believe are caused by vaccines. I’d like to see in those studies how many children were predisposed to these ailments to begin with. As for the death, I think I can say that not getting vaccinated can lead that way as well, so you’re really just taking a crap shot here.

But we don’t really know what’s in them. We could be poisoning our children.  This is true, so another very valid point. My argument to this is simple: we know what’s in Chemotherapy medicines and we still give those to our dying children. That is a poison. You are giving poison to children with cancer. And you know what? Since we started purposely poisoning our children, childhood mortality rates from the most common of the cancers have been dramatically reduced. What’s in that Epi-pen or inhaler you give your child? I don’t know what’s really in them, but I wouldn’t think twice about giving them to my children if they needed them to save their lives.

There’s all this evidence on how bad they are for you. This is one argument I can’t say I can understand. I’m sure if I Googled long enough I can find articles proving that Elvis isn’t really dead or that the sky is green. You can find anything to agree with you. Now I’m sure this argument can be used against me, but I have reputable science sources to back mine. Even still, math and statistics are on my side if you look at it through cost – benefit goggles. The few children that suffer the rare consequences from getting the shot versus the much larger mass that benefits from not having to suffer serious and miserable from exposure to these illnesses.

Vaccines cause Autism. I also can’t stand behind this one as well since this was also scientifically disproven. The truth is no one really knows what causes Autism. The people who blamed vaccines probably gained financially from saying that it does and allowed for a push of holistic medicines that benefits no one but themselves. The reality is people like to place blame somewhere, especially if it’s off of themselves. Instead of focusing on something that was already proven to not be the cause, the focus should be figuring out what actually is. All this does if cause fear mongering and risks the lives of children too young to be protected.

I think I’ve covered all the bases here. I think that if you can arrest a parent for denying treatment for an illness, you can reasonably do it for not vaccinating them because it still follows the same principle. I think if their sick child infects a baby and that baby dies, the parents should be held responsible. I know that it might be viewed as narrow-mindedness. I can say the same for not even considering, really considering, this. I’m concerned for the greater health concern at question here, not just illnesses that should be eradicated but aren’t because of not vaccinating children but what is the real culprit for Autism and whether it is as over diagnosed as ADHD. This would be the best use of everyone’s time and funds.

by

The Thing With Death…

I don’t know if it’s the fact that my first novel was death related or if everything seems to revolve around death these days, but I have been thinking about this topic lately. Not really of my own mortality, though I’ve lived through enough death to have a morbid acceptance that my number could easily be up at any moment. I’m oddly okay with this very fact and choose to live my life so that my children learn at least one thing of value each day. My legacy will be making sure that I have given my children the confidence to succeed in life as useful members of society and enough empathy to use that success to make a meaningful difference in this world.

That is all for them though. I don’t believe that after I die that I would be able to look down on them with pride. I try to pretend I believe it because it makes other people feel better, but I have a very difficult time with it. I don’t believe that there’s an afterlife. Maybe I’m a pessimist, but I just think that you die and decompose and that’s that. I toyed around with the idea of reincarnation, but I can’t get behind that either.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t try to talk to someone who has passed, just to see what happens. This doesn’t even mean I don’t bow down in front of the casket and say a prayer like I had been taught when I was younger. I go through the Catholic Masses after like I am supposed to. This doesn’t mean when I was pregnant, I didn’t visit my Grandfather’s grave for luck or visit the chapel to say a prayer when my baby was in surgery. I do exactly what I’m supposed to at these very ritualized events in our life. But going through motions and believing are two very different things.

Funerals and wakes aren’t for the deceased, they are for the living. These rituals are for the loved ones to mourn and receive closure while their friends and acquaintances show that they are decent human beings capable of sympathy. We celebrate this by killing flowers for an obscene amount of money and filling the funeral home so it smells a little less like death and inevitability. We speak nice of the deceased, even if they had no redeemable qualities.

When I die, I want someone to talk about me and all the good, horrible or questionable things that I have ever done. I don’t want to suddenly be known as a saint out of a guise of respecting my passing because lying about me would be disrespectful to my memory, not that it would matter because I wouldn’t know. I would like to be proven wrong about this, as I have an open enough mind to consider it. But I would need to see my own proof. This doesn’t mean I look down upon those who do believe their departed loved ones look down on them, quite the opposite. I have an admiration to them because they have that hope alive within themselves to see people as souls temporarily occupying a body rather than just a composition of matter with an expiration date. Whatever you believe, there are two things for sure: we need to make every second on this place worth something and live our lives as decent people while we’re here.

by

The Monday Hodgepodge

As a result of nothing really worth an entire blog about, I offer mini points of discussion for the day. Between a discussion of news from the weekend and personal developments, there is a few points I’d like to make on each topic. So here is what there is to say.

First, I will start with the announcement of my first physical book and latest e-book release. My Mother’s Eulogy is now available in Kindle format or in hardcover form on Lulu.com. This has also caused me to create an author page on Facebook, which you can feel free to just click the like page: https://www.facebook.com/BrianneKLaRochelle . This is very exciting, as I feel this is the first big step in accomplishing my dreams. I have more left to do, with 2 plays I’m currently working on and laying out ideas for my next book. I’ll keep everyone informed of those.

And lastly, in the world of politics. On the Sunday shows, it was toyed around with how the law in Arizona was about freedom of religion not it being anti-homosexual. That opens it all up to skinheads declaring racism as their religion, so “whites only” here. Is it even really religious freedom if the only religion allowed to practice freely is Christianity? Just wondering where the spaghetti monster churches are or if the absence of a religion should be seen as an insult. I want to see more Pagan landmarks. And we can’t forget about the Satanists. Oh… and on the grounds of religious freedom, sacrifices should be 100% okay. Because we have freedom of religion in good ol’ ‘Merica.

This is all I’ve got for you. The weekend of news was as exciting as the Oscars were. So check out my author page link on the side and like me on Facebook. You’re probably just wasting time during your lunch break anyways. Or wasting your work day away. Either way works.

by

No Morals, No Service

I don’t pretend I know anything  about being discriminated against. I am a straight white girl from suburbia. The most I’ve ever gotten picked on was for being pale, freckly, and dressing how I wanted to. That pales in comparison to actual discrimination. This doesn’t mean I can’t recognize blatant discrimination that seems to be unconstitutional. Now we’re facing a modern-day civil rights issue.

Instead of having separate facilities for whites and minorities, now we’re going to be watching separate facilities based on who you love. This might be an extreme vision of what might happen if this gets signed into law. (Also, as a side note: why does Arizona always end up passing these sorts of laws that get such media attention?) We’re envisioning something that might not even matter. Once this gets sent to the Supreme Court, it’s likely going to be overturned with the comparisons to the Civil Rights Act and just make a group of people too pissed off to even visit your state. All money is green… until it’s rainbow-colored? Wait, isn’t green a color on the rainbow?

What we are opening ourselves up to is a repeated history. If this is allowed to stay in place, what will stop racists to reopen “White Only” establishments? Then what about “Irish Need Not Apply” rules? How about separate Catholic, Mormon,  Muslim or Jewish facilities, because obviously we don’t want people of different faiths intermingling. This isn’t just an issue about whether or not you approve of homosexuality; it’s an issue if you think any breed of person can be discriminated. I don’t. And if you do, wait until you’re the one discriminated against and I hope you don’t complain because if it’s good enough for other people, it’s good enough for you.

This law is this can of worms waiting to revert us all back to the days before civil rights existed. We are giving a license to create second class citizens based on the way they were when they were born. Privilege will be about religion, sexual orientation, and race. If a so-called “gay establishment” opens up and sends me away because I’m straight, there would be an overwhelming amount of outrage. If you deny that fact, you’re lying to yourself. But somehow, allowing it to happen  the other way is acceptable because you call “religion”. Don’t use religion as an excuse for your hate. My religion tells me to love others. Hilariously, my religion is also the one these hate filled people call as their own. The real sin here is this discrimination, not that they are gay.

by

Another Completetion

I had been in a rut. I was ready to wave the white flag. My heart kept saying “through hard work and determination, you will succeed in your dreams. Keep the faith.” My mind snickered at this. It said, “whoever told you that was a liar. Hard work is an ideal of the past, and only suckers think working hard is the way to go. Give up the dream, and settle for something and accept that laziness and no dreams are the new success.” There is truth to that. The new normal is taking all the goodies you’re handed and settling because you’ll get more than if you work hard for it.

This caused me to be increasingly bitter and angry because I’m nowhere near close to where I want to be in life. I tried my hardest to burst through whatever door, only to break myself every time against a concrete wall instead. It would be easier to just give up. It would be easier to accept that I was nothing more than my failures. But to quote a Fall Out Boy song, “I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses.” I wouldn’t be better than the people I criticize for taking the easy way out if I just gave up. Besides, you gain strength every time you break. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Yesterday, as all that misery came crashing down facing whatever reality my mind was painting me, I snapped back. How many times has anyone had an unbreakable door in front of them? The ones who never quit, eventually find an open door. I remembered that, and decided that my time will come. I’m due.

I found some more doors to try. I decided my NaNoWriMo novel was ready. When I went to retrieve my free first edition hardcover version, I opted to try listing it there on Lulu.com. Right now, only the hardcover is available for sale. Once my copy comes in so I can approve it, the ebook will be available cross all platforms, including Kindle and Nook. I’m the most proud of this novel, My Mother’s Eulogy as this has been my baby 10 years in the making. As soon as the ebook format is available, I will let you know. And for now, you’re going to have to wait for my white flag for giving up my dream of writing.