Allow Me An Indulgence

I’ve been saying this a lot lately, as I’m just about 15 lbs from my weight loss goal and I want to have things I refused since September. This isn’t about food cravings I want to give into. This is about how this blog is probably my most personal one I’ve ever written. So I request that I’m allowed to indulge myself emotionally here, or at least as emotionally as I allow myself to get. Also, forgive my morbidity for discussing death again.

I would say that I don’t recall the first and last time I’ve cried over a death, but that’s a lie. I remember exactly when that was. I would say that I’ve never cried over a death, to save face and deny what might be considered a weakness by some and strength by another. That would also be a lie. The first and last death I had cried over was when I was in high school and I found out my cousin was dead under tragic circumstances. I remember being in the church next to my oldest brother and during the Catholic mass bursting out into uncontrollable sobs. As we were exiting the church, my father told me I needed to be strong for my mother. I nodded and accepted this role.

I never cried over a death after that moment. I’m not sure if my tears were as a result of the suddenness of his passing or if I felt that I needed to be devoid of emotions for a show of strength so I ignore my grief to be strong for everyone else. I remember when my aunt passed from cancer, I went out and made sure everyone had clothes for the wake and funeral and hemmed them so they fit. Each death, I preoccupied myself with everything but the fact I should be in mourning. My husband insists that one day this will catch up to me. He’s probably right.

Today I found out someone I held very dearly had passed away. As silly as it seems since I only knew him from online, but he was a person and a really good one at that. I’ve known him about 7 years and whenever there was something crappy going on, I know that I could count on him. He was a goofy and innocent person on the inside that would give anything for friends, and he viewed most people he was in contact with as friends. He had been through a lot and jumped some pretty big hurdles and finally the last one caught him. I’m glad that he doesn’t have to really suffer anymore, but things will definitely be different without him around.

I wish I believed in an afterlife during moments like this so I could believe he’s gaming up in Heaven or that he was watching over his loved ones. Or maybe even riding one of his 200 plus mounts he acquired in the afterlife. But I am certain that he would be happy to know that he touched everyone he encountered. I can say with every bit of confidence that he was one of my best friends and I will miss him. I hope for him that there is something on the other side and he is enjoying it, because I think I’ll imagine that with a smile.

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