Tag Archives: Writing

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All The Downsides of an Epidural, Without Any of the Benefits

On August 1st, our little Beanie was born. As mentioned in previous posts, it was far from an easy pregnancy. My boys both had relatively uneventful and easy pregnancies and deliveries. Even the induction of the youngest boy was pretty easy. I was able to avoid the epidural, something that I avoided not because I wanted the bragging rights of natural childbirth but because the idea of a needle going into my spine was too much for me. I could only think about the things that could go wrong. Plus, I’m pretty unlucky and usually have bad reactions to medications. Which is why, as a general rule, I avoid taking anything when possible.

After a long induction process that started 3 hours after I was first admitted at 7 am, I was finally given the Pitocin to really start the induction at around 10-10:30 pm. I heard the contractions on Pitocin were going to be far worse than anything I had ever experienced before. I made it until about step 2 of doses before I realized that things were only going to get worse. It was semi-bearable, but it wasn’t going to be if things kept going this way. Finally, I was convinced by my support team that the epidural was going to be the right call.

After about 20 minutes, the anesthesiologist came in. I was sitting on the exercise ball in hopes that Beanie would get herself in the best position (she was backwards, causing back labor) and to help ease the pain. When being moved back to the bed by the awesome nurse (who really was my hero during the birth), my water broke. This is where I knew that there was going to be trouble. My first was born 45 minutes after my water broke. My 2nd, about 20-30 minutes. I mentioned this before, which was why I was being induced a week early. Between my age and the cord insert issue, no one wanted to risk me not being in the hospital when the time came.

To avoid getting into too much detail, my mother was kicked out while they administered the epidural. The medical team rushed into the room, but didn’t really understand that this baby was going to come before they were ready for her. And the anesthesiologist had just enough time to put in the catheter, only to have to pull it out because there was no time. Beanie made her appearance, and made sure that Daddy and Gramma would only hear her entrance into the world with those loud little lungs. A loud scream that she still has, in case you’re wondering.

The aftermath? My spine was bruised and swollen, though the bruising has finally started to fade. I have (still) some intermittent nerve pain. I had all of the negative side effects of getting this epidural without being able to enjoy the perks the medication was supposed to offer. But it was all 100% worth it for that little angel and for our family to become complete.

Going home was the best part. Seeing her brothers meet her was amazing. Having her oldest brother walk over to her and declare that he would do anything for her was the sweetest. Even having my wild child younger son seem as tame as he could muster was a sight to see. Plus, there’s nothing quite like the look of adoration between father and daughter. My boys are doting on her and she seems to enjoy their attention.

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There are 4 Sleeps Until Christmas

It’s that time of year again when I remind everyone what the greatest gift of all is: love. And love is free. I would rather have your love all year long than an expensive present. I love the thought behind gifts, but what I love most is being with the people who are family, whether by blood, marriage, or friendship. That’s the most important thing this time of year. Family. It’s something we missed out on last year to keep everyone safe, but I’m actually really excited to get back into something more normal this year. And it’s going to be a great Christmas.

With that in mind, I’d like to do my annual Christmas reminders:

  • It’s easy to get caught up in spending a fortune on Christmas presents. I’ve learned a long time ago that I never go into debt for Christmas presents anymore. Your kids and family members may like the presents for the short-term, but your credit score and financial stability are far more important than being impressive. If you can afford fancy, go for it. If you can’t, it doesn’t matter. Your thoughtful gifts matter no matter how much they cost.
  • Don’t forget to give back. Find some little way to give back this year. You may not think that you’re fortunate, but I guarantee there are plenty of people out there that wish they were as “unfortunate” as you are. Buy that bag of groceries to donate to a food pantry or family in need. Buy grocery items off the list for the U.S.O to help our troops. And don’t forget the furry cuties in the shelters, who could also very much benefit from your generosity.
  • Be kind. Holidays can be extraordinarily hard for some people. Maybe they recently lost someone they loved and this is the first holiday without them. Maybe they are missing someone every year that they wish could be with them. Maybe they have no one to share the holidays with. Even if you can’t be bothered to go out of your way to be kind, do everything in your power not to be an ass.
  • It’s all about family and those who matter most to you. These are the people who are there for you for your ups and downs. Take this time to really cherish how fortunate you are this holiday season as you are surrounded by love. I know I will.

I say all of this as a self-professed Grinch who absolutely hates the holidays. There are better emotions to spend your energy on this holiday season than negativity. You may even find some glimmer of hope this year. Because we could all use some of that after the past year or 2 that we’ve had.

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Thanksgiving is Nearly Here

This year, people can share their homes for the holidays after that year we would like to all forget. But with this annual holiday, I’d just like to remind people of a few things.

Be grateful for what you have, even if you don’t think it’s that much. You have more than others and that’s something to be grateful for. I’m grateful because I have an amazing family system, both my biological family and the one I married into. I’m grateful because I have the best friends on the planet and you can’t change my mind. I have a roof over my head, that may not seem like much, but it’s ours. We worked hard for it and I don’t care whether or not you’re impressed by it. It’s mine and I’m grateful every day for it. I’m grateful for my writing jobs and my current job. I’m grateful to have my husband and the boys. It’s easy to forget about the things that you should be grateful for when you’re busy trying to keep up with the Joneses. But once you start listing them, you realize there’s a lot to be grateful for.

You don’t have to agree with someone to be kind to them. These days, there’s this hard line drawn between conservatism and liberalism. It still boggles my mind how crazy people are about this. Instead of tossing childish insults and ignoring the other side, maybe try finding some common ground. Can’t find anything to agree on? Who said you had to? One person’s beliefs should not dictate whether or not you should be kind to them. Kill ’em with kindness anyways. Sometimes taking the higher ground is the best choice, because then you can walk away with the moral satisfaction that you didn’t stoop to someone else’s level. Just be kind. And here’s a little hint: it doesn’t even need to be a holiday for you to be kind. Think about it.

And finally, take the time to give back. I’m of the belief, and this is something I’ve worked so hard to instill in my kids, is that you should do something that can make a difference in someone’s life. I think you should do this every day that you can, but this is especially important at the holidays. Some people have difficult relationships with their families. Some people don’t have families. Some people don’t have homes or money for their own holiday meal. You shouldn’t need to advertise your good deed to get social media karma points. You should just want to help your fellow person. Even the smallest act can have some significant impact, whether you realize it or not. Make your impact today.

That’s my annual reminder for the holidays. Enjoy your time with your family or friends or anyone else that you choose to spend your day with. Life’s too short, so appreciate it more.

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BluishOblivion’s Day on the Internet

I’ve had trouble finding inspiration for these posts recently, primarily because between my 2 jobs, my brain power is already stretched too thin. But I always find the best inspiration in my everyday life, so today I would like to talk to you about my day on the internet Sunday.

By the time this posts, it will be Tuesday. I’m writing this Sunday while the hilarious events of my weekend are still fresh in my mind. Because honestly, I’ll probably forget about it by tomorrow. It all started by my usual “Asshole Parking” posts that I do on my Facebook, which are the only public ones that I post. I keep those public because sometimes people like to share them. We all like to laugh at them. It’s fun. Then a family member invited me to join a group about “Masshole Parking”. I’m among my people now!

Except I apparently either A) didn’t fully understand the group or B) the person who’s car I posted in the picture was in the group because apparently it wasn’t as amusing to them when I posted Sunday’s edition of Asshole Parking. Honestly, it was my bad. I ended up deleting the post and leaving the group, primarily because as an adult, I don’t engage in arguments with people hiding behind a keyboard. With the time and effort that they put into trying to be “savage”, they obviously have their struggles so if they want to win the internet award in their mind today, let them have it. I barely care what people I know think about me; some rando on the internet certainly doesn’t impact my world.

So why am I posting about it? As a lesson to everyone on the internet. Why waste your effort to be cruel or to argue with someone on the internet? You don’t. You leave it alone and let them win because life’s too short to give a crap. It’s like that high school bully. They only act like that because of their own insecurities and need for superiority. My ego is fine. You want that win over me, have it. Sometimes stepping back is more powerful because you’re showing that you’re the bigger person. Except not really, because I’ve definitely considered using the illegally parked car picture as my post picture.

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There’s Not Enough Time in the Day

I noticed that I haven’t been up to date with this. I’ll be better about that, I promise. I’m still trying to figure out that work/work/life balance that I keep hearing and ghostwriting about so much. Spoiler: I think it’s as fake as a unicorn. Or I’m just taking on too much. Honestly, it could go either way. But there’s just never enough time in the day.

Normally by now in the year, I’m prepping for NaNoWriMo. It hasn’t been a successful November so far, but I try every year. Sometimes I hate that I try, mostly because I hate failing at it. I don’t think this year will be much better. I haven’t even decided whether or not I’m doing it, but maybe. I will probably decide at the last minute.

We’re all getting well-adjusted to our new routine. One of our fears of me deciding to go back to a physical office to work was that our youngest would have a disruption in his routine. He’s a creature who loves his routine, so any disruptions to that tend to bother him. When I say “any disruptions”, I mean that something so much as I ask him to get dressed before the time I usually ask him to get dressed can trigger him. But, he adjusts well after he’s established a specific routine. We’re getting there.

I’ve been working at my new job for over a month now. I love it. I’m happy to go to work everyday. I low-key even love the grunt work of unloading pallets and moving them into the warehouse. In this month, we have established routines that seem to just be instinct now. I get up early to shower, do some writing work, then get myself, my husband, and my youngest ready for the day. I make lunches in between pouring hot water into our Chemex to make our coffee for work. I take one of our puppers out, then get dressed for work. Then, we leave for work. Come home, I feed the dogs, take our Arya out, then start cooking supper while my husband brings the babysitter (my brother) home and helps our youngest with his homework. It quickly becomes natural. That’s where everything else gets messy.

There’s not enough time in the day to do anything other than basic cleaning, if that. And honestly, sometimes I’m way too tired to bother. The good news is I’m now too busy for guests to come over, so the cleaning is secondary to everything else in my life right now.

However, there’s still that expectation of everything that a working mom should be looming over me. I shrug it off, mostly. But sometimes it’s hard to think about how little I think I actually do when I’m home. Because even after I clock out of my out of home job, I’m still balancing my writing jobs. But, money helps because that’s the society we live in. Especially now.

Don’t worry about running out of time in the day. Focus on your priorities and honestly, to hell with everything else. It’s easy to feel like you’re drowning, but prioritizing your day can really be the lifesaver that you need to come up. Also, I promise to do better. Maybe not promise. I will strive to do better.

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Always Running On Empty

Everyone’s social media pages seem either full of happy pictures of their picture perfect life or inspirational quotes that are meant to be poignant and/or uplifting. It’s nice to read. My social media page is full of illegally parked cars blocking my driveway, which further fill me with anxiety-addled rage every time that I post them. A frequent theme that I see in these posts are “You can’t give from an empty cup”. It’s true. As someone who’s frequently running on empty, it’s hard to give anyone 100%. I do it anyways, sucking it up and overcoming exhaustion to do so. That’s what I’m good for.

What gets me through this empty tank is trying to prove that I’m something. That I’m of use. With everyday life problems like a fridge on its deathbed when that’s the last thing you want to put money into and a bathtub faucet that’s probably using a gallon a day but you know that the piping is probably not to code and will cost like $10,000 to fix, it’s hard to feel like you are useful. It’s easy to feel like you’re a failure at everything when your kid is screaming bloody murder because you enforce the same bedtime every night and they know that they have that bedtime but still scream at you for being unfair anyways. Those are the struggles that people face. The middle class, who honestly took a massive hit during this pandemic, has to face these things every day while trying to work as hard as they can to make ends meet while the rich people sit up there and talk about how you can also succeed if you have rich families so pull yourself up. We’re not going to be perfect. We’re not going to be the perfect parents that feed our kids gourmet, balanced organic meals. We’re the ones who say “screw it” and just cook up frozen chicken nugs and fries, calling it a day because you don’t have much more in you that day.

Still, we get up and soldier on because that’s what’s expected of us. That’s what we need to do. What other option is there, really? Just the simple fact that we get up and try every day is significant, especially on those more difficult days. It’s easy to just assume that getting out of bed is easy. It’s not. It’s something that is easier for some than others. It’s inevitable that some days everyone just wants to stay in the comforts of their bed because they can’t handle anymore. People don’t talk enough about those days. Maybe it’s because they assume people will pity them or think that they are fishing for sympathy. Maybe it’s because they prefer their struggles in private. Maybe they are in denial of their struggles and want to put on a “Thrive not struggle” mentality, pushing that on other people and making them feel worse than they do on those bad days.

This motivational, pyramid-scheme emphasis on thriving is something that I think makes people feel worse. It doesn’t motivate them; it depresses them further to a point where they think falling into a pyramid scheme is the answer to their struggles. It’s not. But they can thrive if they sell this product, which gives the person who recruited them some money and the person who recruited the person who recruited them even more money, creating a pyramid where really the only one that thrives is the higher ups that came up with the scheme to begin with. /endrant

The real point isn’t a knock at “multi-level marketing” scams.. I mean… businesses.

The real point is that when you made the choice to wake up anyways, you won the battle. Mental health is a war and just showing up is winning. You’re fighting every day and sometimes people lose the battle, and they should be remembered for having the strength that they did to make it so long. The battle can be harder for some than it is others. It’s important to remember that every time that you judge someone for anything. Everyone has their silent struggles that they won’t talk about. And you know what? I think that’s okay. I think sometimes people just need to know that people are there and not have a need to share their struggles. I think that sometimes people do need to share those struggles and they should feel safe enough to do so. Everyone’s journey is as unique as they are. I think that the important part is that you make yourself available and support them on their journey in the best ways that you can.

Also, just be kind people. Can we try that for a change?

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Finding Inspiration

In the past, the “Random Rantings” of this blog was inspired by news. Sometimes it was news that was too ridiculous for me to comprehend. Sometimes it was trying to see both sides of the argument to come up with my own opinion. Then there was inspiration in my own life. The television shows I watched that sparked an internal debate with me were figured out as I wrote them here. The struggles of being a mom or working from home or really both. The struggles of being a writer. I found inspiration in those moments and shared them because I knew others also had that struggle and it maybe felt nice for them to hear someone else talk through what they are internalizing.

The news isn’t inspiring anymore. It’s terrifying. I can’t believe that this is the world I am living in. That I’m bringing up my children in. I deal with selfish entitled jerks who use my driveway for their own personal parking spot, showing me that people are really only getting worse. (Just for “Hahas”, the article picture is one said car parked illegally blocking a sidewalk and obstructing my driveway. Because I’m petty.) I’m reading about how people think wearing a mask is infringing on their medical freedoms but if you have a uterus, they can infringe on whatever they want. They have people arrested with Nazi signs emblazoned all over the place, while in the same breath insisting that they are racist and full of hate. It’s almost as if I’m living in a fictional world, not writing about one. It’s too insane to even begin to write about, though I’m sure I will after I’ve processed.

Since Kindle Vella has been released, I kept trying to figure out what I should write a series about. I did eventually get inspiration from my real life. I’m genuinely excited for this new project and while I was going to hold off in discussing about it, maybe I can untie some knots in my first serial by sharing with you the premise and title.

With the popularity of “Slice of Life” animes, I’ve decided to write a slice of life-ish serial. This will be a compilation of stories from the life of Olivia (still deciding on the main character’s name but so far this is what we’ve got). The serial will be entitled “A Day in the Life of the White Trash Capital”, following Olivia as she navigates difficult neighbors, a love/hate relationship with her city, and everything else a boy mom has to deal with. (Sound familiar?) I don’t want to give too much away, but I will say I’m having fun writing it and it’s definitely been an emotional release of my annoyance and anger.

It’s good to be writing again for myself. I can’t wait to see where this story takes me and it’s going to be a blast.

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What Does Family Even Mean?

Some people go by the traditional definition of family, where it includes a mom, dad, and their kid(s). But family isn’t about some definition. Family isn’t about the blood that connects people; it’s about the love that does. It doesn’t matter if you pushed your child out naturally, had them pulled out surgically, or if you legally or unofficially adopted them. It doesn’t matter if you were born into a family. Family is something that you can build for yourself, with whatever your definition of family is. Because it’s the love and support that matters; not genetics.

Recently for a movie night, our family decided to watch “Instant Family”. The premise of this movie is that the main couple want to adopt a family. While the movie itself was a cute, heartwarming, but silly movie, it sparked a conversation in my family that proves just how powerful art can be. Our oldest, who was essentially unofficially adopted by my husband from around the age of 1, understands that it’s not about the blood relationship. He knows that my husband was there for his first t-ball game, any school event, band concerts, and anything else. He screamed his name with pride from the stands during sporting events and screamed as loud as he could at his graduation. Even after having his own biological child, he never treated our oldest as anything other than his son. It’s definitely something that warms my heart all the time, watching the bond those two have.

After watching the movie, my oldest talked about how he wants to adopt too. He said it wasn’t just the movie, but also seeing the way that his father is with him shows him that you don’t need to be there for the child’s birth to love them. From someone who insisted that he never wanted kids to deciding that he wanted to adopt when he’s older was something incredible to see. Even prior to the movie, my husband and I have considered fostering/adopting. In the future, when we have more money and a bigger home, then that’s something we probably will do. Even my youngest has decided that he wanted to adopt, because “so many kids have no parents and that’s sad”.

The whole point is that you can create a family of your own choosing. You can adopt or foster or have your own kids. It’s about the love that you have for the child, not how the child became a part of your family. Or, you can choose to not have kids at all and surround yourself with friends and family that you love. There’s no single definition of what a family is. Sorry, forget that. There is a definition of family that I follow: People who love and care for each other, always offering support. That is my definition of family.

Don’t resign yourself to society’s expectations for what a family is. Have as many or as few kids as you want. You shouldn’t be pressured to do something like get married or have kids because that’s what a family is supposed to be. That’s someone else’s definition of family and that doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Make your own definition of what family means to you.

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Women in the Workplace

Prior to going to college and working from home as a writer, I worked in the hospitality industry. It was, honestly, soul crushing work to the highest levels. I did learn some very useful skills while working at the hotel/restaurant. For one thing, I have mastered how to listen without actually listening. This is an essential skill for anyone who works in a customer service-related industry. This is where you can smile and nod convincingly, while catching enough of the Karen’s complaints in front of you to appear that you care and are going to do everything in your power to make things right. You won’t, because you’re a minimum-waged employee that has no real say in anything and just has to bow down to the whims of management and customers. But, at least you’ve convinced the Karen that you’re useful. Interestingly, this is also a skill that is very useful as a mother.

When you’re a teenaged single mother, keeping your job is essential. This puts you at a disadvantage of being young and desperate. You take it when you get your butt slapped while waiting tables, having someone give you their number as a condition for getting tips, or just having people hang around in a sleazy way for you to finish your shift, despite the fact that you’re not finishing your shift because they are lingering around like lecherous predators trying to make a play for a barely legal teenager when you just want to get home so you can try to make it to school on time the next day. I was fortunate enough early on in my hospitality career that my chefs treated their waitresses like daughters. The waitresses were sisters who would watch out for each other. When the chefs happened to be around, you would just tell them what was going on and they’d come out with their dad face and those lecherous customers would disappear fast. Even Grampa Bobby, the MC/Banquet Manager could straighten out anyone who got out of line in protection of his waitstaff.

After I was promoted to the front desk at the hotel, I foolishly thought it would be a different experience. I still had to wait tables/do banquets in addition to full-time front desk work, because single mom and it seemed like less protection at the front than it was in the kitchen. You’re the face of the hotel. The first person that guests come across. Which would lead to frequent conversations such as when I would ask “Is it just you in the room, sir?” and they would respond “Depends, are you joining me?” They would creepily wink as if they were trying to pass off that comment as a harmless joke… unlesssss… I would always raise my eyebrow at them and then program the key, hand them the key, and then say “One key, it is then.” It never stopped getting uncomfortable when that happened. But that was just something we’re told to suck up because it’s going to happen. Women are told to change our reactions, while the men aren’t being told they shouldn’t be lecherous predatorial creeps.

Eventually our banquet manager left and a new one was hired. The kind of manager that if you didn’t want to sleep with him, he wanted to make sure your life was miserable at the workplace. The kind where if you didn’t flirt back, he would figure out ways to replace you with someone that would. You don’t develop a thick skin or a higher tolerance for these things. You just end up accepting things because what’s the alternative? Back then, even 18 years ago, you didn’t really have any options. They instantly fired a male housekeeper that made me feel uncomfortable with his advances on me. But a manager? The manager’s indiscretions were just ignored because he was him? Maybe he was good at his job when he wasn’t drunk, high, or hitting on the barely and not legal staff? Even then, I just accepted my fate of being the target of unwanted advances and the ire that the unrequited nature of them caused.

The final straw came right before I decided to go back to college. Back when we were in high school, there were these gel bracelets that we had. If someone had a cool color, we’d trade one of our cool colors. It was fun. It turns out, in some areas those bracelets were offered in exchange for sexual favors or were used as a coupon for future ones. Not our school. It was just friendship bracelets being exchange for other colors. There was this one that I was particularly fond of that was blue and glittery, given to me by someone who was going off to college while I was going to spend forever working at this hotel. I wore these bracelets to work, because it was the only joy I had some days. I could look at them and remember who gave me which ones. How did I learn that these bracelets weren’t so innocent? A customer came in to check in and saw the bracelets. He goes “which one does this one get me?”, or something along those lines, as he grabbed my wrist and broke my beloved one baby blue glittery one and put it in his pocket. He laughed at me as he let my wrist fall down to the desk and smash because my body went limp in terror. He continued to lurk around the desk for the rest of my shift. But since it was a Sunday, it was just me on site. No manager. No owner. It was a slow day so housekeeping was already gone. It was just a twenty-something year old sitting alone hoping that she was going to be safe for the rest of her shift. I don’t remember if I tried calling the manager about it. I remember just being terrified.

I did end up leaving right after that incident, after serving a few shifts and being completely terrified while doing so. I had to wear a wrist splint for a couple of weeks because my wrist had been sprained. The last thing I signed as an employee there was the incident report that was filled out 2 or 3 days later when I realized that I had to go through worker’s comp rather than my own insurance. My manager, who was the nicest person and who tried really hard to do the right thing, told me that she was going to send the customer (I remembered his room number) the medical bill and a request for the bracelet back.

Why did I tell this incredibly personal story? Because it’s relevant. Not just because of what’s happening to Activision/Blizzard. But because this incident was 18 years ago and still haunts me today, probably to the point that I’m too terrified to work outside of the home because of it. Because these are stories that women today are still telling about their experience working and getting nowhere with it. Because we’re expected to change our reactions instead of having them being told that they need to change their behaviors. Because we’re afraid to speak up because we can’t afford to lose our jobs. We’re victims of having people take advantage of us and our uniquely vulnerable situations. That’s why women not only need to speak and men need to listen, but men also need to speak out. Speak up when they see something. Listen to the stories and offer support so that they have the strength to do something about it. Everyone needs to do their part to make the change.

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The Struggle Between Morality and Capitalism

Some people call this “cancel culture”, but in reality, there are more than just the products or services offered by a company that make consumers choose to give them their money. I’m no different than any other consumer. I choose to buy my groceries at Big Y (only the one in my city) and sometimes the local grocery Fruit Fair because I have a positive view of them as a company. The owners of these companies are active in our local community and I’ve never had an unpleasant experience with any employee at either place, which is more than I can say about the misery I feel when I go grocery shopping at the other options in the area. Consumers make decisions based on factors like a positive impression of the brand, positive experiences when working with the people at a company, and whether or not that company’s morals align with theirs.

A company’s morals and how they align with mine is a factor I consider when purchasing items. For example, I refuse to step foot in Hobby Lobby due to their belief system and those are beliefs that I absolutely cannot support. And it’s easy for me because I’ve never had to be concerned with them because there are other craft stores in the area that I can spend my money at. Chick-fil-A is another company that I just can’t support. However, I did eat there a couple of times and then spent an equal amount of money on charities to make myself feel better about betraying my beliefs. Plus, full disclosure, Chick-fila-A is overpriced and nowhere near as good as Wendy’s or Popeye’s chicken sandwiches.

For the most part, directing my moral outrage at a company hasn’t really impacted me because those were typically products or services that I wasn’t buying to begin with. But when the news broke out about Activision Blizzard, I was immediately conflicted. Blizzard games have been a huge part of my life for nearly 2 decades. I’ve met great people and friends through these games. I play Overwatch and World of Warcraft (Classic and Retail) practically daily especially to break up my work and reset my brain. I religiously follow Overwatch League. To hear this news saddens me. No. It destroys me. The fact that companies like that get away with being disgusting for so long is disturbing to me. The wholesome image we get of Blizzcon is shattered. This brand betrayed its fans, especially the female gaming community that love their games.

Blizzard fans that give a crap should feel betrayed right now. The moral conflict is whether or not this is a company that we should give money to, despite the profound impact that their games have had on the community. Are these bad actions something that predates the Activision Blizzard merger? If so, does the ire we should feel reflect on Activision’s games, not Blizzard’s? Do we stop giving money to a company, which causes harm to the innocent developers that make these games that we love? Do we wait to see if they own up to their actions and hand down consequences for these vile actions? At what point do we give up on something that we’ve already dedicated so much to? These are all questions we should be asking ourselves.

We should stand up and fight, but my conflict is rooted in not just my outrage but also my need for routine and comfort. It’s seems like an easy choice: stop supporting a company that causes so much pain. But there’s another side. Especially at a time when people need comfort and stability, these video games offer them what they need. I need the comfort that I’m going to log on and get “Hey Ginger” or “Sup Leigh”. I need the comfort of mindlessly doing things while interacting with others. It’s the break from reality that some people need on a regular basis more than others. But at what cost? What would I like to see? I would like to see them be held accountable for their actions. I would like to see massive chunks of money being donated to RAINN, top suicide prevention organizations, and women’s rights/sexual harassment prevention causes. I’m talking like massive amounts of money. They need to make this right.

This isn’t “cancel culture”. This is deciding if you want your money to support something that you don’t believe in. Sometimes, that decision is much easier than others. But isn’t that what capitalism is all about? The consumers making decisions about where to spend their money? I don’t call it “cancel culture”, I call it “moral consumerism”. And I’m really struggling with it right now.