Tag Archives: Social

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Does Love Make You Blind… or Simply Stupid?

With all this talk about Rihanna and Chris Brown, first I wonder “why should I care?” Actually in a way we shouldn’t, it’s not our business what celebrities do nor do I see why it’s news. However, this gets over shadowed by the fact that he beat her up and it played out for the world to see. I understand she’s a horrible role model for girls. Maybe people aren’t as shocked that she ended up with someone who mistreated her, because that’s what we (as in us women) do. Maybe they hoped that this event would bring awareness to the situation as to prevent it from happening, using the young and hip Rihanna as a poster child for their cause.

The sad truth is we’re mostly all guilty of this attraction to the “bad boy” at one time or another. I hate sweeping generalizations as a rule, but this one seems more true than most. When you’re out of the phase when mistreatment is considered OK, you realize that the nice ones are keepers. Maybe it’s a long stretch of unfortunate relationships that really makes you appreciate the nice guys. Then you realize that you were stupid before, and you wonder why you just didn’t go after the good guy after all. The question again: why allow ourselves to be with guys who mistreat us?

I’ve thought about this a while, and I’ve decided there are two reasons why we allow ourselves to go the bad way. One is the obvious tale of low self-esteem. Maybe we just think that low of ourselves that we settle for guys who lie, cheat, and smack us around while telling us how awful we are. We think that it’s acceptable and just deal with it, the guy is probably right anyways and we’re lucky to have them. If he’s able to cheat, that must mean he’s just that desirable and I’m so lucky that when he does come home at night, he comes home to me. I couldn’t help but to sign reading that, realizing how true that train of thought is to some people. And then I wish I could meet them and slap some sense into them.

Then there’s the fixer in us. Maybe the other reason is because we see a guy that needs to be fixed and decide “I can change him into a better person”. You can’t. And you definitely can’t go into a relationship and pretend you’re going to make this guy fall so hard for you that he does a complete 180 in his personality. I always joke that my husband loves me for my imperfections. Does he watch more movies that he wants than I do? Sure he does. Would he rather play videogames than take out the trash? Absolutely. When I’m sick and trying to rough it and take care of the boys, does he say he needs to go out and stay out at all hours leaving me alone and sick with 2 kids? No chance, he sends me to bed and takes charge. That’s what’s important, he’s a rare gentleman of our time. I know that he’s not perfect, but I know that he won’t leave me or cheat on me or ever mistreat me in any way, that’s why I married him. I never once tried to change him. That’s not healthy for either person in the relationship. Sometimes you just have to accept someone is no good and just be strong enough to leave.

That fixer in us is worse for us in the long run. That destroys self-esteem to the ground, and no one but you is left to pick up the pieces. We’re dumb to think that we can really change people; we can’t. People might seem like they change, but down to their fundamental core they stay exactly the same. The decision is do you allow yourself to be beaten down in every sense of that phrase or do we allow ourselves to grow up and stand up for happiness. We all are in that spot at least once in our lives; but not all of us have the emotional strength to walk away.

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What is “offensive”?

I wonder if I was too harsh in Friday’s post, though it’s not a statement of whether or not I should apologize for it. I shouldn’t apologize for it, nor should I have to. I stand by every bit of what I said. I worried that people would be offended when I posted it, but I did it anyways. I realized a long time ago if someone gets offended, it has more to do with their own thoughts than my own. I feel that insecurity may directly affect what someone deems “offensive”.

If someone mentioned that I have gained weight, I do get upset. It’s not because of what the person said, they were merely observing something. I get upset because I’m insecure about my weight since the baby fat is not coming off as quickly it did the first time. If someone said “your hands are short and stubby”, I nod in agreement. They are small, little chubby things that I just accept. I do bite my nails and I can’t seem to get over teenage acne. I accept certain things and notice that I easily take offense to the things I do get insecure about. I don’t think I’m special; I do think I’m not the only one.

I also believe in standing by what you say. Never say something you don’t mean, no matter what. Did I agree with what Chris Culliver from the 49’ers said? Absolutely not, I think those comments were ignorant and hateful. Should he have apologized that people took offense? Probably, but he said it and should’ve stuck by it. I wouldn’t agree with him or respect what he said, but at least I wouldn’t look at him like he needed to grow a pair. Being hateful was his business and as much as it pains me to say this, he has a right to believe what he wants. Doesn’t mean I have to agree with it, but it’s his right.

So what is offensive? That’s everyone’s question. What’s offensive is what someone believes is offensive, whether we agree with it or not. I can’t tell someone that my thoughts on anything isn’t offensive just because I don’t think it is. Though, I’m very certain I say offensive things all the time. I cringe every time my son says “that’s offensive”, but he has a point with the ridiculous things he says is offensive (and he says it jokingly, he isn’t actually offended). I think that we’re becoming wussier every generation. All you ever hear is “____ is offended by _____”. The Christians are offended by a mosque being built nearby, Atheists are offended by the mangers. People are offended a white male pretended he was Jamaican except for people from Jamaica. Everyone is magically all of a sudden offended by everything. There are things that are rightfully considered offensive, like children being abused in any manner and racism/sexism/anything derogative. But seriously, everyone really just needs to take a step back and chill out a little. Life’s too short to sweat the small stuff.

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My Name is Brianne, and I’m a Judger

We all do it. We see that overweight person walking around in spandex bike shorts with a sports bra at the mall and wonder “seriously, I wouldn’t do that and I’m skinny”. Some of the more brazen folks will even utter that aloud. I am one of those people. It’s a flaw, my inability to keep my thoughts to myself. Most of the time, it ends up as amusement for the people I’m with. When it’s not, I was lucky enough to be able to duck and outrun the offended person.

As I’ve grown older, thankfully I’ve learned a bit more restraint. Not much, but a bit. I’ve learned that generally there’s a time and place for it, and I’ve also learned that biting your lip is less painful than a punch in the face. I fail to acknowledge how words really affect people, mostly because I generally don’t mean what I say as rude and not “constructive criticism”. I’ve learned that sometimes it’s better to let someone be ignorantly uninformed and not say… be fire from your job. I even learned that social media is not the place to air out my opinions on a person, because a lot of things just get lost in translation from text to words.

Still, I’m often put in a lot of situations where I have to recite “it’s not my place” or “leave it alone” in my head to distract my mouth from saying anything. I’m able to now look at my moral compasses to prevent anything that shouldn’t come out of my mouth. Between my husband’s look of disapproval as if he’s scolding a potty mouthed insolent child and my wish to not have my children follow in my footsteps, I learned that sometimes silence with a smile and a nod is the best thing you can do in life.

This whole post was inspired by a movie my family watched over the weekend named “Pontypool”. (Spoiler alert) The virus was spread through the English language. In that case, words do kill much like the case in a lot of bullying tragedies. Words have a habit of hurting if used improperly, and we should try to remember this when we’re put in situations. Not everyone wants your opinion, if they do they’ll ask. Luckily I’ve gotten to this point, unfortunately when asked to give an honest response I don’t know how to soften the blow and I rattle off every thought that comes into my head when asked. (Take note: Never ask me for my honest opinion unless you really really really want my honest opinion.) Baby steps?

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Breakups and You: The Survival Guide

Oh that first time we fall in love! That sweet moment of stupid irrationality and blindness. Then with the words “it’s over”, it seems like the world falls apart while you just watch it shatter. Age doesn’t make any of that easier, and each time seems to leave a little scar each time. I remember watching an interview on “19 Kids and Counting” where they said they encourage courtship because Michelle had carried with her the baggage of the previous relationships and wanted to spare their children that same pain. Sure, every breakup leaves you with some scars. You know what scars exist for? A reminder to “not do that same thing that hurt me once again”. I’ve had temporary scars from burning myself, and did you know what I learned? Don’t be stupid and keep your arms away from hot pans. That, and tomato sauce bubbles with a vengeance.

I was speaking to my son’s grandmother, and I joked with her that “it’s ok, I’m used to being the girl who mom’s hate their sons for breaking up with”. After she laughed and nodded, I told her that “it’s not their fault they can’t handle my awesomeness”. Growing up, you learn that confidence is a key to everything. Am I really that awesome? That doesn’t matter, saying I am makes me feel better about any of the bad. When you have your heart-broken, that bit of confidence can make a world of a difference. One of my philosophy teachers in college once gave a lecture saying “No one is worth crying over if they won’t cry over you”. I repeated that for several days until I really thought about it and realized how true that was. It doesn’t matter in the moment, you’ll still cry. But after, you understand it and realize it’s old news.

My other real trick is the music. I have a playlist for the breakups, though now that Adele exists my list has been altered. My playlist starts at the point of “can we just get back together now” to the result of “who were you again?”. That’s key for me, because I like that my music is taking the same journey I did. I start with “Dumb Girls” by Lucy Woodward. She wants to get back together and realizes how stupid she is for it. Then a “Please Don’t Leave Me” by Pink for the same “beggy” effect. Then the midpoint, a realization. Taking Back Sunday excels at this. For this point, I go with “You’re So Last Summer”, and then the angry point of this realization goes to “Cute Without the ‘E'”. To follow this point of anger, we hit the final stages. Pink “So What?”, that point where you’re over it and onto insults, also All-American Rejects “Gives You Hell” is great too. Then the final point, the place where you’re over it with a line like “You’re calling too late” from “The Best Deceptions” by Dashboard Confessional and “You’re just a phase I’ve gotten over anyways” from “Red Letter Day” by The Get-Up Kids. Toss in some “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele, “If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?” and “August in Bethany” by The Juliana Theory, and finish off with “A Sharp Hint of New Tears” by Dashboard Confessional. My two additional picks for humor/anger factor? “Good Will Hunting By Myself” and “Love Me Dead” by Ludo. Trust me, you’ll thank me for this list.

Everything is a learning process, some more painful than others. (Darn you tomato sauce!!) The point of a learning process is how well you pick yourself up after it. You can sit around feeling sorry for yourself and watching TV all day in your pajamas while wondering what you let things get to or you can pick up those little pieces of dignity on the floor and get on with it. Ok, I take the sitting around in your pajamas all day, I still do that. Everything else is true. Situations can only be as bad as you let it, that’s the truth. Things can always get better, you just have to open yourself up to that and allow it.

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Things I Learned At My 10 Year Reunion

There comes a time when you sit back and wonder “I wonder how much I’ve actually changed since high school”. Maybe not, maybe you just wonder how much other people have. You’re thankful to have a few good friends you’ve kept since then, happy that there are people in the world you can’t get tired of, even if no one else remembers them. (I heart you, forgotten one.) You learn valuable lessons at reunions. Ok, not really valuable lessons. However, you definitely learn some very interesting things.

  1. It’s always funny to see them fall from grace. The most important lesson you learn is that you want to see those cocky or stuck up people fail in life. It’s human nature. You want to see that girl who was the prettiest and snobbiest in your class suddenly gain a 100 lbs. and work as a waitress at some dive. That popular football player that was hot stuff in school? You want to see them overweight and unsuccessful. Unfortunately, sometimes this isn’t the case. Fortunately, most of the time it is and you spend the entire reunion laughing. Yes, I was sober and laughing.
  2. You can leave the drama at home, but the drama can sometimes follow you. This is a sketchy one. In our Facebook group for the reunion, someone basically said “Leave the drama home at home because no one wants it”. The first thing I thought of was “if you still hold a grudge from high school at this point, you’ve got more problems to deal with”. Admittedly, this fact really gets tested when say.. I don’t know.. someone gets so wasted they use your boobs as punching bags while muttering nonsense. Then it occurs to you there are only a few options when this happens: you could a) smile and nod and hope it stops; b) push one of your best friends in between; c) walk away; d) punch offending person in the face and talk about how it was worth it while getting tossed out by security. I recommend every option but the last, it’s generally not worth  it and jail time isn’t cool anymore.
  3. Cliques are cliques are cliques. Remember everyone who hung out with each other in high school? So do they. As if high school really just picks up after 10 years, you look around noting that the same people are hanging out with each other in various parts of the bar. You have those two girls that never spoke to anyone because they were too pretty to be bothered with those who are beneath them. Those two guys that were star jocks that are still way to amazing to be bothered with everyone else unless they are being admired. The popular kids still hung out only with each other. Don’t worry though, while you make that observation you realize that you’re sitting with people you only saw a week ago and never lost contact with instead of catching up with people you barely associated with anyways. Apparently if you never cared to bother 10 years ago, there’s really no point now. And don’t judge, you’re just as guilty and you shouldn’t feel bad. There’s a reason for all of it.

Aside from realizing you said goodbye you being young and stupid 10 years ago and you feel old as a result, you have nothing to be afraid of from hitting this milestone. You’re older and thankfully wiser than you once were. (In said scenario earlier, my short-tempered self would definitely had snapped and assaulted the person like a bear being poked.) Now you can take a deep breath and face those scary 30’s because you just saw 50 other people who also used to be young with you becoming older too and sometimes not nearly as gracefully as you are. I admit that my post-pregnancy body scared me going into the reunion because I didn’t want to be a chubby version of me that gets mocked because I was a twiggy teen. But when you see people balding or much chubbier than you are for a reason not as good as yours, you feel so much better. I sure did and I’m ashamed to admit that this fact doesn’t shame me.

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Happy Fireworks and BBQ Day!

Today is the Fourth of July, the American independence day where we fought for our freedom from scary old England. Look at Kate Middleton and see how intimidating she looks. I wouldn’t want to see her red-coated self against us though I bet it might be a Burberry red trench coat. (You might be surprised I pulled that out of my butt, I assure you I Googled it to make sure it existed first. Exit surprise mode.) We did it though, us under-dogged Americans showed our tea drinking enemies how we do this war thing and we celebrate this day every year as a result. We celebrate it with our Asian fireworks and foreign booze, because what better way to celebrate American independence then by showing what a melting pot of everything we are. Go us.

To clarify, I’m not mocking the holiday or what it stands for and this sarcasm was more for humorous purposes than an underlying agenda of “America sucks”. I don’t have an underlying agenda of “American sucks”, because even on our worst days we are still better off than most countries on their best days. That counts for something, and though we’d be lying to ourselves that we don’t need to improve anything, we have a lot we can be thankful for living here. Plus what other country has the useless politicians that are easy fodder for comedians? We’re blessed I tell you.

I think that while we celebrate our original fight for independence from England in true American form, we shouldn’t forget one fact: the reason we can still celebrate our independence is because we have people who still fight to make sure we keep it. It’s not just soldiers fighting overseas to keep us safe, it’s activists that continue to fight for ideals they believe in whether we agree with them or not. It’s those people who stand up for what they believe in and refuse to back down. It’s educators that teach our children how to think on their own and giving them the tools to succeed out in the real world. It’s also us parents that tries their best to make sure their children become moral and useful people in society. We need to be grateful to these people, we need to be grateful to ourselves. The reason we can still celebrate our independence is because we still stand up for it, and it would be a shame if we forgot that while we drink by bonfires and watch fireworks in the sky.

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When Old Men Attack

Saturday was a hot day. By 9:30am, the sun was already setting us on fire while we were getting ready for the last little league game of the season. I mentioned how a nice iced drink would be perfect, and we decided to hit McDonald’s drinks to cool off with. No big deal, and our son in the back seat was excited for his day of baseball then a picnic with his teammates. The day was supposed to be a good and stress free day, and so far so good. That was wishful thinking too soon, I should’ve known better.

As we pulled away from the “drive thru”, barely out of the corner of my eye I notice a car too late. The guy saw that we didn’t notice him and decided to continue his drive anyways. He stopped so we went ahead, and we thought that it was all done with. We were wrong. In my view I could see that he pulled up next to us, and was yelling at us through his window. When my husband opened his window, and a slew of profanities came out of this old man’s mouth. He apparently expected my husband to climb out of the car and bow down to this obviously superior white man to beg for his forgiveness. My husband calmly said “I’m sorry I didn’t see you, I already said I’m sorry. What more would you like?” This man continued to yell, and I swore I heard him hurl a few racial slurs towards my husband. Luckily the light turned and we went on our way trying to forget this incident.

A few things bothered us about what happened. The obvious thing was that this man (who was easily in his 50’s-60’s) felt that he had a need to belittle my husband over a mistake. A grown and supposedly mature man was acting like a 16-year-old. The fact that he hurled obscenities and slurs at my husband was bad enough, but we had a 9-year-old in the back seat listening to this person act this way. He listened as a person referred to my husband with words he’s never heard before and words he knew were negative towards him. If my son wasn’t the kid he was, that man could’ve shown him that it was acceptable to use that language in that situation. Luckily, my husband is a good person and obviously a much better man than this guy twice his age.

I have an awful temper, I know this and I know well enough to swallow my words most of the time before something is said that would make me ashamed. That man should’ve been ashamed of himself, and I could see from the look on his wife’s face that she was ashamed enough for all of us. Road rage is awful enough, but what gives that man the right to say what he said? He would’ve been just as much as fault if we did actually get in an accident, as he didn’t look like he was going to stop when he realized we didn’t see him. So what, my husband is Asian and the joke is that Asians can’t drive. There’s also a joke that old people shouldn’t drive, should we have said “get your eyes checked old man” or “you people shouldn’t be on the road after 50”? No, if we had it would’ve been appalling and they would talk about how the younger people don’t respect their elders. Yet this man is able to shout racial slurs and people probably wouldn’t care except people that are negatively called “liberals making a big deal out of something minor”. This incident scares me more than I was before about my child being mixed race in this society. I hope that either things change or my children will help make this change.

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What Kids Really Learn

Before having kids, I thought the “Nature vs. Nurture” was a joke. My son isn’t biologically my  husband’s, but that doesn’t make him any less the father. This scenario is the only proof I need that while kids are born with a certain disposition, the environment they grow up with influences them more than we can understand. My son is every bit of my husband, the same mannerisms and likes and interests. It’s something completely interesting to witness, and last night this all came together for my inspiration for today’s blog.

This idea of what a child learns is all speculation. No one really knows how a child really learns, but one thing most people agree on is that a child learns from observing the people around them. This learning comes mostly from our parents. We see how they act and behave and a child learns from this. This can go from 2 extremes, the really silly and the really serious.

To start with, the serious. A daughter who witnesses her mother being mistreated by her father might grow up thinking that this behavior is something acceptable, and allows herself to be treated the same way by her future partners. A son who sees his mom beaten might grow up thinking that is the way to treat women and become abusive towards his partners as well. Nothing is guaranteed, but statistically it happens more often than not. Children are sponges for information, and without being shown what’s appropriate or not, can lead down a path making us wonder what we did wrong not realizing it may be too late to fix it. With this idea, in raising my first son I led by an example I hoped that he would grow up and be proud of. My husband’s parenting style is the same, and it worked out well the first time around and I hope it continues the next time.

Now, the silly way this can be proven true with a funny story of my household. My husband is a very overprotective person, one feature I find both lovable and annoying. Next to our bed, he has a wooden stick that he jokingly refers to his “just in case beating stick that can be used from anything from robbers or a zombie apocalypse”. One day, my son was sitting on the bed watching streaming videos and dropped his favorite stuffed animal. When he picked it up, he noticed the wooden stick and asked about it and of course I told him and he smiled that smile he gets when I tell him something about his father that makes him want to be more like him. And last night I found out he was.

I went downstairs before I went to bed like I usually do to check in on my son and nephew while they were sleeping. I went into my son’s room to retuck him in and I noticed next to his bed was one of those plastic bats ready to be grabbed for “just in case”. I couldn’t help but to let out a loud laugh which made him turn in his sleep. I called upstairs for my husband to see what I can only blame him for, and we sat laughing together.

This just makes me wonder if I’m right about children learning from what we do and how we behave. While no one really knows the answer, I’d like to think that you should set an example for your kids. Then you can look on with pride when they explain to you in the morning why they had a plastic bat next to their bed or why they picked up someone’s money and returned it to them instead of keeping it. We do a lot by raising our kids to high standards of behavior and giving them knowledge to be good people in society.

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I laughed thinking of all the stereotype jokes I have floating in my head at random moments, mostly about myself. For instance, I was making supper and I looked down at my toes while waiting for the food to boil. My original thought was whether I should attempt to paint them, but quickly turned to the fact that I was standing pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen. I couldn’t help but to laugh, this made me think of stereotypes.

Well that wasn’t the initial reason the idea of stereotypes creeping into my head, it started a little while ago when Ann Coulter was on Fox News discussing about how Hollywood promoting stereotypes of Southerners as stupid and religious people as evil was somehow harming America. I suppose those are harming America more than racism and homophobia, though I have a feeling that stereotyping is the least of American problems. What is Hollywood thinking overly exaggerating people for the sake of entertainment and sales? Maybe they should learn something from our news shows about how now to use dramatic language and exaggeration to get more people interested in watching the news. Heck, maybe she’s got it right. We shouldn’t stereotype New Yorker’s as being a mass group of KKK members, and Christian religious groups aren’t evil cults that capture teens and torture them on their compound for their sins while gunning down federal agents. (That’s for Kevin Smith fans right there.) We should focus our stereotypes on Democrats and how dumb they are. That Ann Coulter, she’s my idol.

I know, sarcasm doesn’t quite translate well in written language.

My point is that we need to look at stereotypes very closely. My husband is an Asian that is a computer technician, and my best friend is a terrible driver and an Asian female. My other friend points out that my family can’t get drunk, they “get Irish”. Westboro Baptist Church protests all sort of minorities and people of different sexual orientation and preaches intolerance. Maybe the problem isn’t that we stereotype, but that sometimes there’s a reason for the stereotype: in some cases they are true. I say some, I’m not a racist or all for sweeping generalizations of people. Maybe, just maybe stereotypes exist because there’s some truth in it. So when some says, “you should be pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen”, I laugh. Because I am pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen.

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It’s a Cruel Cruel World

There are some moments in life when I sit back and think about how awful I am. This has nothing to do with self-esteem, it has everything to do with the awful things that roll through my mind. The worst part about the things that cross my mind is that I have a hard time not saying it aloud. I often think I’m just not wired right in the head. My lack of empathy for certain circumstances makes me feel awkward and horrible. Not horrible because I thought it, but because I feel like I should feel guilty. Luckily, I can take comfort in the fact that no matter how awful I am that there’s always someone worse than me.

The first moment it hit me that I was a little off was when I was a Junior in high school. My English teacher was trying to explain the idea of a tragedy to us by asking us if it was a tragedy that a girl runs across the street chasing a ball and gets hit by a car and dies. After a few people, she turns to me and asked me if I thought it was a tragedy. “No, it wasn’t a tragedy,” I blurted  out, realizing what I had said without really thinking about it. “No? Why not?”, she asked with a stunned or appalled look on her face. “Because if she was too stupid to look both ways first, it was going to happen. That’s not a tragedy, it’s natural selection.” I figured I was already in everyone’s “crazy bitch” category, so why not just finish my thought aloud. Lucky for me, I think the teacher thought I was trying to be funny and let me off the hook without much more than an appalled look. That was the moment I realized that I was an awful person.

Eventually I learned to at least try to keep my mouth shut with age, though some days were more trying than others. There are some occasions with people I trust where I don’t care. The other day we were driving back from my son’s baseball practice, I saw a person on a bike towing a full bag of trash without a helmet cut off a SUV. Obviously, the truck won and he was on the road in pain. People got out and pulled out their cellphones, hoping for this kid. I looked at my husband and before I knew it “What the heck did he think would happen trying to cut off a SUV? And without a helmet? Seriously…” I ranted on about stupidity.

I know what you’re thinking if you haven’t stopped reading yet: you think that I need help or no wonder you barely have friends. You’re probably right, but the thing I’ve learned is that most of the time I just say what everyone else was thinking. Does it make it worse that I say it out loud or that you kept it in?