Tag Archives: Social

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There, I Closed My Eyes

Every month, I find myself sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for my turn. I would list this as one of the biggest annoyances of this pregnancy. I understand the point of it, it’s a precautionary act to make sure everything’s fine. Well, logically I understand the point. I’m a normally bitter and sarcastic person, and this act though necessary tests every bit of my core. For me, in my irrational and angry mind, this isn’t only unnecessary but it’s also a waste of time. I hate wasting time.

It’s nice to be there so often that the receptionists know my name and I can just sit down in peace. It’s not nice to be there having to use the bathroom but being unable to because you need to pee in a cup when you get in there. It’s definitely even more uncomfortable to shift positions and realize that you can’t sit comfortably in any of those chairs and you know that even though your appointment is in 10 minutes,  you’ll probably be sitting in that chair for another half hour at least. Or if you’re lucky, they’ll let you sit in the exam room in uncomfortable silence on an uncomfortable and cold table. Then, you go through all that to have your physician say “are you feeling ok? Any bleeding or fluids leaking?”. Then when you respond with a simple “no”, they say you make your job easy and lay you down to hear the heartbeat. I almost feel like this could be easily accomplished with a video conference call while I stay home in my pajamas with my lovely Boppy. That’s not even the worst part for me.

I’m like every other woman on the planet, I have issues with  how I look. All these flaws I build up in my head only get worsened by the pregnancy. Pregnancy glow doesn’t exist, it’s not a compliment when people say you have it. It’s really just oil building up that’s going to end up in a horrible rash of acne. There’s nothing exciting about it. Then, there’s the weight thing. I’ve never been large, even though I admit I’ve always thought I was bigger than I actually was. That changes when you’re pregnant; you really are large. At my recent visit, I even admittedly refused to look at the scale while the nurse weighed me. She didn’t judge, which made me happy that I’m probably nowhere near the only one who just didn’t want to know. Now today, I’m scarred by the number. In my head, I look like I’m about to pop and will never lose this weight. I know it’s illogical, but I can’t  help but to be obsessive about how “big” I am.

I share this story because I know I’m not the only pregnant person in the world that takes one look in the mirror and doesn’t feel a joy but feels an insecurity. Honestly, it’s tiring reading about how awesome it is and I don’t think enough people come out and admit that they feel a certain way. I’m not saying I’m not happy about this bundle of joy, but don’t make us feel like bad people because we don’t “glow” the way you think we should. Pregnant women should be able to come out and say it’s not always peachy without fearing what people think.

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Conversations

“That’s because she was too busy flirting with you to do it right”, I joked with my husband after his haircut.

“She wasn’t flirting, that’s what they do. They try to talk to you about things.” He looked at me like I was the weirdest person he’d seen. He’s probably right.

“Mine doesn’t bother with idle chit-chat with me.”

“That’s because she knows you.”

At first, a part of me became offended. Not really, but let’s go with that. He’s right though, I don’t do well with “how’s the weather?” conversations. It might for further than simple social awkwardness. If I wanted to know about the weather, I’d watch the Weather Channel or even just look out the window. I understand conversations about family; that makes sense.

“Some people look at misanthropy as a personality defect. I think it just allows more selective friendships.”

“We’re not talking about friendships, it’s about friendly conversation.”

I never once lied and said I was a people person. In fact, that could probably be so far from the truth that even I’m willing to admit to. Maybe my aversion to people is that I don’t understand simple polite conversation, or just gets bored with it. I could probably discuss things like the weather in a short time span. A 5 minute time frame, at most.

Maybe there’s a point, maybe it is a huge personality defect. But maybe some people just like their quiet and like being alone. I don’t think that means they are mentally ill, they just like peace. That’s just on the different extreme of people who always need people around. What’s the difference really? The only difference is that being outgoing is socially acceptable, even encouraged. Loners are just people who deserve mocking.

I don’t mind having “loner” tendencies. I also don’t mind always erring on the side of social unacceptability. I think blue hair is acceptable at any age, and skinny jeans make me die on the inside. Sure, at the bus stop I look at people with an awkward smile while they try a conversation. I might even secretly make a snide comment in my head. (Ok, it’s not a secret now.) I think it’s ok that I admit it, though no one else will think so. I can’t control my facial expressions to hide what I’m thinking, but I prefer it that way.

The point is, conversations with people are the main interactions you have with new people. It can define whether you actually befriend them or not. That first interaction really gives the first impression that decides how they interact with you later on. As a parent though, you learn that sometimes you have to put in a little effort because your kids chose your friends. It’s true, their friends and their parents become yours, whether you like it or not. Luckily for me, my son has taste in friends. This point of first impressions is making me more aware of how I act to others. It makes me more conscious of how socially unaware I am. Thankfully it seems most people don’t mind as much as you think, as long as you’re not outwardly rude to them. Sometimes they like a little weird in their life.