“Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all.”-“Carve Your Heart Out Yourself”, Dashboard Confessional
Ever since I first heard that song, it spoke to me. I’m a huge music lover, particularly emo music of my youth. I admit it and I’m okay with this love. The reason is because there are so many songs that speak to me. This one included. Here are some other songs that I directly relate to on a level that gets into my brain.
- “Freakish”- Saves the Day
- “Bend and Not Break”- Dashboard Confessional
- “Several Ways to Die Trying”- Dashboard Confessional
- “Stare at the Sun” – Thrice
- “Lucky” – Seven Mary Three
- “Extraordinary Machine” – Fiona Apple
In fact, I would say that “Carve Your Heart Out Yourself” one of the songs that has spoken to me the most. A reminder of my greatest weakness: myself.
I like to think of myself as a relatively confident person. I like to think of myself as reasonably smart, somewhat talented at what I do. I even sometimes dare to think that I’m an okay mother. I talk about acceptance. I talk about how we should be comfortable with ourselves and how we should take solace of “At least I’m trying my best”. But most days, I don’t think any of that. Most days, I’m a failure. And I either decide that I’m going to make the next day better. That I’m going to try to be a better mother. A better writer. A better anything than I was the day before. It’s those moments that I realize that I’m not confident or talented or smart or even worthy. It’s those days that I struggle.
It’s easy for other people to pass judgement on how you live your life. That if you don’t live up to their ideal, that you are nothing. You are insignificant. That you are making excuses for your laziness or how you’re a failure at everything. How you’re not a real writer. You’re barely a good mother. You don’t deserve anything in life because you didn’t earn it. Those ideals that get forced on you cut more than anything you can possibly imagine, especially when you make the choice that staying home with your children is the best choice for your family. Those moments shake me, realizing that someone else’s words are more powerful than mine. That I should give up on my goals and the things that I have tied to my identity. That I should give up power and accept my fate that maybe I was bound to fail all along, no matter how hard I try.
Who doesn’t feel that? Who doesn’t get put down to a point that you wonder if you should even get back up and fight? I’ve always prided myself in being a scrappy fighter. But even the scrappiest of fighters wonder if the fight is even worth it anymore. Because someone else judged your life. Because you gave someone that power to judge your life. And you look in your corner, realizing that maybe you have someone there willing to fight with you. Fight for you. But… what if you don’t? That’s not something that anyone wants to face: fighting for yourself.
I’d like to say that you shouldn’t give anyone that power to make you feel like that. I’d like to say that even someone who once prided myself in my mental fortitude is weak to this. Maybe I’m not as strong as I’ve always led myself to believe. Maybe by admitting this weakness, I’m showing strength. Maybe by pouring out these thoughts, someone else who has felt this way can take solace in the fact that they aren’t alone. Because in times like this it helps to know that you have someone, even someone miles away, there fighting alongside you.