I decided to take some time off to adjust to not sleeping. I’m happy to inform everyone that I have successful adjusted to not sleeping, and am back to incoherently write my blog. Since I’ve mastered the skill of being able to function with only one barely open eye, I can get back into the swing of things and entertain the masses. And by masses, I mean the 20 or so people who currently read and follow me.

I thought it was best to kick off with one of my favorite segments on this blog, “Things I’ve Learned”. Today, “Things I’ve Learned: Newborn Edition”. Let’s get to this before I fall asleep at my computer.

They Know How to Time Their Cries: You know that peaceful moment you think “oh, the baby’s sleeping. I can now shower/eat/clean/read in peace. You love this rare moment of peace. You love your kid, but at some point you love this moment a bit more. You turn on the shower, it gets to the right temperature or you grab that plate of warm food that you’ve been starving for all day… you get ready to enjoy this “me time” moment and as if on cue to ruin your one minute of quiet there comes a loud shrill cry. You realize that every time you’re about to do something, that one second before the foot hits the water or the food touches your lips, the baby senses your enjoyment and decides now is a great time for a dirty diaper or anything else that makes them scream bloody murder for just long enough for you to put your food down. (And if you live in my house, that’s all the seconds Dog Dog Tank decides he’s going to eat your food you set down carelessly to attend to the crying newborn.) Every parent knows this lesson well, the newborn is actually the boss.

Showering- Necessity or Luxury?: I’m not saying go a year without showering here. But let’s be honest, to get a shower that lasts longer than 5 minutes daily is a luxury. You’re able to stay in just long enough to not look greasy or stink like baby poop before that bundle of joy of yours decides that he wants his food right this second. It’s a soap on/soap off love affair. I try to remember how long it took with my first one before I was able to hide myself in the hot shower for 20 minutes, if for no other reason but to have a 20 minute rest. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep in the shower during that time as well.

Sleep- Overrated or best friend?: It could go either way here. Though it could go back to an earlier point here where it doesn’t matter because the minute your head hits that pillow, you hear that endearing cry you love so much. It’s like being a college student again, where you realize that there isn’t enough time in the world to get more than an hour here or there, so sleep comes last. Then you become so used to not sleeping, you don’t know how to fall asleep when you get the chance. Sleep isn’t really overrated; you just tell yourself that to make yourself feel better about not sleeping just like saying “sleep is for the weak”. It’s not for the weak, it’s just more suited for people with the ability to do it.

Poop is funny: You’re sitting in the doctor’s office and the doctor is speaking to you and asking questions. It’s then, your newborn smiles (hint: anytime a newborn smiles is a sign something bad is about to happen.) and you hear an adult sound come from this little 9lb bottom. You feel the rumble of the poop in your lap and the doctor stares at you trying to talk over what’s going on in your child’s diaper but no one in the room can deny what’s going on. You can’t help but to laugh, neither can the doctor. You’d think this would be the only way poop is funny but you’d be wrong. That minute (this goes back to the impeccable timing of a newborn) the diaper comes off, the newborn smiles. I see the look while my husband is swapping the diapers, and I run. It’s at the moment of my taking cover that my sweet angel has shot poop across the room, hitting my husband in the crossfire. This is when poop is at its funniest. You’re welcome for that image.

Say “Moo”: Just to note this: sitting around attached to a breast pump makes you feel like a cow at the dairy farm. You get over this quickly though when you realize that you’re saving close to $300 a month. Well, you get over it when you make that realization when you’re cheap like me. Watching the numbers on the scale go down is an added bonus.

The important thing to learn is that babies are precious and they are certainly a gift, though sometimes you can’t help but to wonder if it’s a gift from heaven or hell depending on which end of the tired spectrum you’re at. Babies aren’t for the weak or for people who lack a sense of humor. You’ll need that sense of humor when you’re covered in all sorts of projectile objects that come from every hole on that precious child’s body. Then they look at you, knowing you’re important and you love them and that poop in your hair just doesn’t seem to matter anymore. That’s the most important lesson.