Category Archives: Writing

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It’s Going to be Okay

That’s something I think we all need to hear these days. We’re all struggling. A lot of people have lost their jobs. Parents who still have to work through this are struggling to balance working from home and managing their children’s education at the same time. Or they are trying to manage finding daycare for their kids while they go to work, adding to their stress of worrying if it’s safe for their kids. We’re not mentally in a good place right now. Or at least I know I’m not. But, it’s going to be okay.

It’s going to be okay because you’re doing the best that you can. No one can expect anymore than your best. You’re always going to think that you’re not doing enough. But you are. You’re doing your best for that moment in your life.

It’s going to be okay because eventually things will start to feel some type of normal again. Whether it’s the new normal or getting back to what your life used to be. Normal is really what you make it to be, not what everyone tells you it should be.

It’s going to be okay because we’re meant to adapt, adjust, and change our approaches. We evolve at our own pace. Change isn’t something that everyone can accomplish at the same time. And that’s okay.

It’s going to be okay because someday it will be safe for kids to hug their grandparents again. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that this is all to make sure that we have our family as long as possible.

It’s going to be okay, somehow. Because we need to have some sort of reasonable optimism that we will get through this. That we are going to come out of this stronger than when we went into this.

Because that’s who we are.

So, just remember: it’s going to be okay.

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It All Starts with a Character

There are so many current, relevant topics I could be discussing right now. Like how countries are seeing a resurgence in cases because they opened up probably way too soon. How if you need a 10 step strategy on opening up, it may be too soon to. People have the right to feel terrified because no one really knows anything about this virus, except for the fact that it’s death toll keeps rapidly rising and there’s no real treatment or vaccine to help people through it. Or how people who ignore these guidelines for staying safe are the reason why we’re still dealing with this.

But I don’t want to. It makes me sad and angry and all types of negative.

Instead, I will work through my brain’s struggle to come up with a story to start a series of children’s stories. I have a character that I so desperately want to see come to life. I have her personality in mind. I’ve envisioned what she looks like. But I’m not a children’s author. Aside from “Dear Child”, I’ve struggled a bit trying to get back to the genre because I know there are stories there. I know that my character is going to be a flawed character, but I want to send a message of empowerment not to just other girls, but to all kids. I have all these great hopes for the story.

Unfortunately, I have no story. I’m not sure if it’s my workload breaking into my brain’s creative side, draining any will of creativity out of me. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety over what’s going on in the world that is hurting my brain. I just know that I have a great character, but she’s just sitting there smiling at me through my rough sketches of her. It’s frustrating. I’ve never had this long of a dry spell in my personal writing.

It is probably a combination of being burnt out from writing due to my workload and the fact that with the kids home all the time with no break while juggling said workload as well as my new “school of mom”, that I don’t have that quiet time where ideas just flow from me. With everything going on, I don’t see that changing any time soon and that does make me a little sad.

Writing may seem like an easy task. But words are hard. Stories are hard. Having the will to type endlessly is hard. Writers don’t have an easy job. We are tasked with inspiring emotions and getting people to relate to a fictional character. We need readers to connect on some level to the story. And we don’t get the ability to tap into the nuances of body language and inflections that can often only be heard. We can try, but we can’t reach everyone and we know that. But you need to be able to reach someone.

Maybe over the weekend I can get the chance to sit down and work on something. Maybe.

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A Writer Who is at a Loss for Words

I was sitting around thinking about what I should write about. Should I be celebrating that I’ve only gained 5 lbs during this coronavirus time of eating whatever you can get your hands on and mindless snacking out of stress and boredom? Should I go on a rant about people being irresponsible and how dumb I think the protestors are and how I not-so secretly hope that they get it and learn a major life lesson? Should I lament about how I’ll never think to myself that homeschooling would be much easier than sending my kids to school in a world where school shootings are so on trend?

All viable topics. But what does it matter? I could discuss how you’re not only protecting yourself but you’re protecting others by staying safe and following these rules. But I won’t change your mind about it. I won’t change your mind that it’s selfish to ignore mask rules or social distancing measures or how you shouldn’t hang out with family just because you miss them. This is your time to show how selfless you are. And you’re failing at it. But, it doesn’t matter because my opinion doesn’t change anything. I have a right to my opinion; you have the right to yours.

The virus topics are all played out. No one wants to read another story about how this sucks, because people read things as an escape or to find something that they relate to and find solace in. My pessimism has taken over; there’s no solace to be found here.

I have no topic. This post is just like the Blues Traveler’s “Hook”. You’re reading because I’ve engaged you. I’ve captured your attention. But there’s nothing of meaning. Of substance. It’s words, and I’m struggling to find them right now.

A writer without words. That seems crazy. What good is a writer if they don’t have the words? But they say that “you should create a schedule and stick with it, even if you have nothing to offer”. It seems silly, but this routine is as important for the writer as it is the reader. It means that the reader has something to look forward to. It makes the writer sit down and write. It forces creativity, though not necessarily in the right way. But it does.

I just have to keep up the mantra of “It could be worse”. Things could be worse. I’m told this too shall pass, but the problem is that it’s either not going to pass fast enough or it will pass too fast and we’ll just end up right back here hoping that no one you know gets sick or dies.

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Why the Mask Bro?

I’m pro the right to protest. Whether you agree with what people are protesting isn’t important. It’s our right as Americans to protest any injustice that we see, regardless if other people see it too. Do I agree with these recent protests about opening states up amid a pandemic where there is no vaccine, medicine, or adequate testing? Absolutely not. As someone with a terrible immune system, I’m not okay with that. But Brianne, that’s why you stay home and stay safe.

That’s kind of the problem though, isn’t it? My husband already still has to go out to work sometimes on anything he can’t handle remotely as a sys admin. He washes his hands and gets changed as soon as he enters the house, but that’s not a guarantee he won’t bring it in with him. If the state opens up without mask or safety restrictions, first of all we’ll end up dealing with a second outbreak and we aren’t even prepared for the first one yet. And he will be out of the house more often, increasing the risk of bringing it home with him. So it doesn’t matter if I stay home if no one else does.

That’s not the point. The point here is about the protests. Sure, going into state buildings fully loaded with guns without any repercussions for these in normal situations very illegal actions is a major jerk move. But peaceful protests, I’m all for. But my question is, if it’s safe enough to open states without any regulations, why wear a mask? Are you afraid that you are going to catch a deadly illness that you believe is a hoax meant to control the masses and isn’t any more deadly than the flu? Are you hedging your bets in case you’re wrong? Why are you wearing a mask if this isn’t really a big deal?

I’d really like the answer because you can’t have it both ways. If it’s not safe enough to protest in masses, maybe it isn’t safe enough to get back to normal. Maybe deep down you just want to be a lemming even if you don’t actually believe that this is a hoax. I’m not a scientist or health expert, so I’m not going to argue if it’s safe enough not. But the logical person that I am says it’s not a good idea until testing is more widespread or there is a vaccine to protect us. So, why the mask bro?

Do I think that if people play stupid games, they should win stupid prizes? Absolutely yes. However, in this case it’s not just their lives. It’s the lives of their families and kids and everyone else’s lives that are at stake. But, I mean, if they get it and bad things happen there’s a reason for Darwin Awards, right? Actions have consequences… so is that why you’re wearing a mask while protesting a virus that’s a hoax?

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Zoom: It is Our New Way

This morning, I get to argue with my child over wearing pants because he has a Zoom meeting with the rest of the class. Zoom is apparently our new way of life. The last time his teacher had a Zoom session, my son was too sick to join in the fun. It will be nice for him to get that experience, at least seeing his classmates. This whole thing is finally wearing on him, making him sad he doesn’t get to hang out with his friends. I promised him he could have his friends over after this was all over. If this ever ends. It feels pretty endless right now.

Next week, I have to try out the Zoom thing myself for a meeting with his 504 team. Which is always super fun because I’m terrible at technology. You’d think for someone who freelances, streams (maybe starting up again next week some time), and games as much as I do, I wouldn’t be so terrible at figuring out new programs. But I am. Here’s to hoping. Though, let’s be honest I’ll probably fail at something.

Zoom has almost become a meme at this point. It’s like a false sense of normalcy at a time when nothing seems right. Does this new program open up doors after this whole thing ends? Probably not. Despite this current situation proving that some people can actually successfully work at home, employers will still insist on going back to normal. But for now, this gives us the opportunity to pretend that everything still goes on. Except our sanity, that’s long gone.

Families are using Zoom to stay in touch. Schools are using it to have classes, giving children some type of connection with their teachers and peers. Businesses are using it for meetings. This has become the way. As technology evolves more, maybe more people will get to enjoy working from home on a regular basis which can save everyone time and money. But, right now I’m just hoping that we make it out of this healthy and safe.

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Upending the Lives of Children

My child thrives on routine. Due to his many difficulties, routine is something that is sacred to him. If things don’t go to an exact routine, his entire day is destroyed and that’s the reality of having a child like him. Even my older son prefers to stick to a routine and gets a little antsy if things don’t go according to plan. But he’s far more flexible when his routine is shaken up. This is probably one of the biggest challenges I have so far.

I do have as strict of a routine as I possibly can for him, while also managing my own work expectations. This is something a lot of parents are trying to manage right now: juggling their work commitments to their home commitments. That’s not a new concept; working parents have been struggling with this for a long time. The problem is now we are trying to do everything at the same time. Spoiler alert: We’re all failing at it. It’s okay to admit that. It’s okay to admit that my son has failed every science project that we’ve received because he doesn’t follow the instructions, such as “work with a parent”. I’m honestly not sure how his teachers manage to get him to listen. His teachers are saints and magicians all at once.

Their lives are, and I don’t mean to be dramatic here, ruined. They aren’t getting that social interaction with other children that they need to thrive. They don’t get to run around at the playgrounds. Seniors are missing their year-end events. Juniors are missing out on prep time for their things like college tours, college fairs, and exams. These are experiences that they aren’t going to get back. And that’s sad. My heart hurts for them. Just because I didn’t care about these events, doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the milestones. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel compassion for those students missing out on this. You only have your youth for so long and to have these major moments not be a part of them, that does make me feel bad for them.

That doesn’t mean there’s no reason for it. I keep seeing petitions about how people should be at risk to put these events on anyways. I agree about the importance of these events, but to put lives at risk for them? Until there’s testing made more available and a vaccine created, it’s never going to be safe out there. That’s science. There’s more evidence of the probability of reinfection than there is that there’s no risk of it. But this is so new that no one knows anything. If this were my kid, I wouldn’t be able to attend the ceremony because it was too risky for me, nor could my parents who have a very close relationship with my son. There are safe ways to do things and there’s being completely stupid.

Some places have setup schedules where an individual student can bring a couple of family members to see them do the walk and the students get that experience, even if they can’t share it with their friends. That’s a safe idea. That’s a good approach. That allows for social distancing, while giving the child that experience. It won’t be the same as the grand graduation ceremony students usually get, but it’s better than a Zoom graduation.

People are making rash decisions because they aren’t thinking logistically; they are thinking selfishly. Your want to do something doesn’t take over the reality of the situation. The reality of the situation is that there are over 50,000 people across the country who have died and that number doesn’t seem to be slowing down. I’d even be willing to bet that those places who have decided to say “eff it” and reopen are going to make those numbers jump even higher. Do I like it that I’m in charge of providing barely adequate education to my children? No. Does that mean I think the schools should open up just because I don’t want to deal with it? I’d rather have my children alive, I’m silly like that.

In a time when we should be growing closer together, helping each other, we are bickering like children. We are stubbornly following whatever our political affiliation wants to spoon-feed us and doing so blindly. This was a test to see if our country could unite to do the right thing and make the changes to become better, and I’m sad to say we failed.

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Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

I’m not a particularly positive person. I’m more of a jaded realist. The thing about being a realist is that you are often accused of pessimism. Am I guilty of pessimism? Who isn’t? Hope is the most treacherous of human fancies, after all. A motto I lived much of my teen years following.

Some time after becoming a parent, I lost the need for pessimism as a crutch though I still mention how my class voted me the class pessimist with my dear friend. We deserved it. I started more towards realism, still careful not to hope. Hope leaves you open for disappointment. I prefer logically considering things and determining the most likely outcome. Things didn’t turn out how I would have liked? I started living by “It could be worse.”

As it turns out, people hate that phrase. I like it because it centers me. It puts things in perspective. Sure, school is officially cancelled for the rest of the year leaving teacher Mom in charge. But, it could be worse. At least I know they are safe. I’m not going to be worried about them contracting the virus at school. I don’t have to worry if their schools become a statistic for school shootings or being bullied. I just have to worry more about whether or not I’m enough for them. And my never getting a moment of quiet time until this lockdown ends. Send help. By “help” I mean “wine”.

Does this new normal suck? Sure. I can’t take my kids to the park. I have to juggle trying to help with 2 sets of remote learning plans plus an OT learning plan. But we’re safe. Aside from the stomach bug that took over our house, we’re healthy. I don’t have as much time to clean because I have to juggle teaching, my own work, keeping them quiet so they don’t bother my husband as he works in the makeshift office in the basement. But, it could be worse.

Whenever someone vents to me about something, I try to remind them that sure things suck but life’s too short to stress over everything. That’s how I remain so seemingly emotionless. It’s not that I don’t care about the Patriots getting rid of another player. It’s just in the grand scheme of things, is that really something worth my already limited sanity? This is something we should appreciate now more than ever. Yes, you are validated in feeling emotionally done. But looking at how things could be worse doesn’t dismiss those real feelings of stress and anxiety; it helps puts things in perspective. At least we have a roof over our heads to stay safe during these difficult times. We have food in our fridge. Because there are a lot of people who don’t have these luxuries. They don’t have the luxury of remote learning capabilities. It could be so much worse for us.

Most importantly, we have each other. And as long as we each do our part, things will get better. We just have to do what needs to be done. This may be considered a war time, but do we have to go to war? No. We have to sit on our asses playing video games, catching up on our reading list, binge-watching whatever we want. Some people have to still go out and work, my husband being one of them. But he wears his mask, uses his hand sanitizer, and washes his hands because it’s more than just about him getting sick. This is our time to shine. This is our time to come together and ask for help and put a smile on another person’s face. Because they probably need it. We all do.

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Being a Joiner

I’m not a joiner. I don’t like the idea of just following along just because. I’m my own person and peer pressure doesn’t dictate anything that I do. If anything, I’m usually the bad influence. Not on purpose, but I’m not going to lie that it ends up that way. When it comes to social media, I usually stick to that. I don’t want to offend people when they invite me to do those challenges on Facebook, but I’m not going to post 10 selfies of myself. I probably only have 2 or 3 selfies and only a handful of pictures of myself. I’m okay with that. Photographs steal the soul, or something. I’m not going to just participate in something, because that’s not who I am.

I did end up in a Facebook “challenge”. Not because I felt compelled to by peer pressure. It was because the concept was intriguing to me. 10 days of posting album covers that shaped my musical upbringing? The challenge of picking just 10 albums from my younger years, even in my late teens and early 20s, was interesting. There are so many bands, songs, and albums that have touched my life. That I have related to so strongly that they are the only things that can manage to get my hardened heart to feel strongly enough to cry.

It’s also interesting to show off, as much as possible, just how eccentric my musical tastes are. People would be confused listening to my most listened to playlist on Amazon, where my playlist is so varied that it jumps around practically every genre. I’m okay with that. I don’t care if people laugh at my music. I like what I like and people being closed-minded and judgemental don’t bother me. Mostly because I don’t care. I’m not out to impress anyone. If a song has hit me in the feels in one way or another, I like it. I don’t think I need to defend myself or my choices, and if people want to make fun of me for that, it says more about them than me.

Will I do another challenge? Probably not. This is a one and done. I like the challenge of sharing my favorite music. I don’t like the stress of trying to pick people and not make them feel like they have to or whatever. Plus, I don’t like having to do the posts every day because honestly, that’s more work than I want to put into social media.

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Managing a Tummy Ache During a Pandemic

What we’re learning so far is that life still needs to move on, even in a way that isn’t our usual, no matter what circumstances are going on around us. We still have to work to pay bills, if we’re fortunate enough to do so. We have to juggle that with remote learning plans to ensure our children are still exercising their brains. We have to manage their science projects from school that you messed up because your child was so excited he tore off the instructions and you were left going “oops” or you have to grow a plant even though you have the worst green thumb in the planet and ended up killing their science project.

Deep breath. Now, you just have an added worry. Fortunately, my husband has been spending a majority of this working from home though there have been times where he’s had to go out. He’s the one who goes out for groceries because his wife has a terrible immune system, so I stay home with the youngest. The only trips the youngest and I ever make out is to walk over to the school to grab their food packs, because it gives the kids some routine where they go out and get fresh air to do something.

That doesn’t mean no germs are coming into the house. Last weekend, my husband ended up with a stomach bug that we watched carefully, but it went away after a few days. Then, my youngest had it. This stomach bug is making its way through our house during a pandemic. That’s not great for my anxiety at all. This is where educating myself comes in. I understand the symptoms of the virus. I know that it’s a stomach bug because there’s a very low-grade fever, nothing with the respiratory tract, and the symptoms went away after a few days. Though it does seem to spread. My oldest is now showing symptoms. My house is doomed. Mommy is the last person standing, so you know that means she’s going to get smacked. Let’s see how these monsters last without me for a few days.

Still, it’s easy to freak out. It’s normal to. The idea that you can be as safe as possible and you just need someone else to do the same to avoid getting sick. That’s why we avoid going out. That’s why we avoid takeout as much as possible. That’s why it’s important to educate yourself and #science. By denying science, denying how serious this illness is, by not educating yourself is not only hurting you but the people around you. It doesn’t matter that you’re young and healthy. It can still get you. It doesn’t matter if you’re young and healthy, the people you visit may not be. Is it really worth the risk?

Finding the right balance of being concerned without being overly freaked out is important for your sanity. Again, this is the importance of staying educated. That’s why you wear your mask out, even if you think you look ridiculous. Even if it fogs up your glasses. Even if you don’t think you can breathe in it. You can, I promise. That’s why you wash your hands constantly no matter how dry they get. Just buy a lotion from Lush Cosmetics, trust me they’re great. (Not paid sponsor, I’m not popular enough for that. But, I like sharing great products.) The sooner that people stop being idiots, the sooner this gets under control. Sure, you can be scared. I’m pretty terrified, if I’m going to be honest. Not just that this thing is going to cause serious damage to my friends, who are out there working despite all of this going on. Not just that my family can be impacted by it. But because if this keeps going on, we’re all going to run out of food and toilet paper because people panic buy everything. Then that makes other people panic buy even more because they are afraid they aren’t going to have any food because now you’re in a cycle where the only winners are the businesses selling us the food.

As for now, I’m going to practice my vomit exercise as one child has started vomiting in the bathroom (hopefully the toilet, but you never know with him) and the other into a bucket while laying on the couch. All while trying to keep my sanity and hold off this stomach bug as much as possible. Because that’s what mom’s do.

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As It Turns Out, I Would’ve Been a Terrible Teacher

I know it’s been a while. Adjusting to this new normal has been a bit crazy, but I’ve finally gotten into the swing of things again to get back to doing this. I’m hoping now I can get back to my usual schedule, but these are uncertain times so who really knows. I do promise that I’m going to try my best.

If you’re new the the blog, then you probably don’t know that I originally went to college to be a teacher. After some time in the field and doing some of the coursework, I definitely reconsidered that choice. The teachers at my college basically informed us that it was a thankless job that we’d probably fail at and that we were just glorified babysitters that get abused by parents and administration. A few of the teachers I observed seemed to be less than thrilled with their choice. I had such high hopes of having an impact on the lives of my students while sharing my passion for books and literary theory. I slowly realized maybe that wasn’t what I was meant for. So now you have me here as an adequate blogger/author. Yay you?

I often toy around with the idea of going back to school, just to do it and try. Why not? But then this new normal of remote learning with me trying to teach my kids happened. Then I realized, I would have made a terrible teacher. It definitely confirmed that elementary school wasn’t going to be my area of specialty. Especially when dealing with a child who has a 504 plan that I’m also supposed to be sticking to. Who has anxiety struggles, sensory struggles, and attention problems. My oldest one is fine. He mostly just does it all himself without asking questions, unless he’s come up with great question and wants to discuss and debate it. That I enjoy.

I would be that teacher that sneaks wine in a soda can during school. Or Bailey’s in my coffee. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m trying to manage my workload on top of playing teacher. Or if I’m just super stressed dealing with everything and wish I could just take them to the park to burn off energy, even though my youngest never runs out of energy. (I live in a house but my neighbors don’t seem to be practicing social distancing and I’m not risking it.)

This is new to all of us parents who don’t already homeschool. Trying to make sure that they keep up while trying to adjust based on their needs is a struggle, especially when you have your own work to do. Times are tough right now. You try to avoid the news so that you don’t get anxious and spread that to your kids. You try to make their lives as normal as possible when there’s nothing normal about this situation. They are scared and you have to suck it up to be their light in a tunnel that just seems to get darker every day. These are trying times. These are new times that many of us have never experienced before. But, I’m hopeful that once we get through this tunnel, we can make it through anything.